Fahr Farms Inc.

Pernahkah....

2010-02-03T12:23:00.000+08:00

haihh..lama sudah kita tak membloqkan diri. Tapi hari ini betul2 rasa ingin meluahkan sesuatu. Hari ini kita melangkang keluar rumah sama seperti hari2 smlm dimana rasa sgt malas dan tidak bersemangat. Kita merasakan hidup ini tanpa matlamat dan tujuan.

Setibanye dia opis kita terfikir patutnye sekarang ni, kita berada dlm musim sejuk di Dublin mengharungi kuliah tetapi itu semua tinggal kenangan. Tapi kita tak pernah menyesal. Kita percaya Allah menentukan hidup kita utk tujuan tertentu. Kita selalu terfikir apalah agaknye akan jadi pada diri ni 5-10 tahun akan datang.

kita bukanlah seorang yg sangat berjaya atau org yg senang dlm hidup, tapi alhamdulillah kita dpt merantau hampir separuh benua di dunia ni, banyak pengalaman dan kenangan yang kita lalui.

rasanye sampai disini sahaja buat masa ini...nnti ada masa kita akan cerita lagi...

Marriagesides...

2009-12-12T23:20:00.000+08:00

Marriage is a relationship based in no small part on virtues. The most basic of these is responsibility, for marriage is an arrangement held together by mutual dependence and reciprocal obligations. But successful marriages are about more than fulfilling the conditions of a contract. In good marriages, men and women seek to improve themselves for the sake of their loved one. They offer and draw moral strength by sharing compassion, courage, honesty, self-discipline and a host of other virtues. Husband and wives complete themselves through each other, and the whole of the union becomes stronger and more wonderful than the sum of the two parts..cheers!!

nothing in return?

2009-12-12T22:59:00.000+08:00

Long.. long day... working from 8.00 am up to 7.00 pm ... then of... I'm pooped. So tired... just now I'm thinking off the coming repots, and here's the stats:

1) Jabatan Akauntan Negara - 13 pages
2) TNB Reports - 1 page
3) Telekom Reports - 1 pages
4) IBG Reports 1 - 8 pages
5) CPC Reports - 2 pages

Total pages: a lot. ( tak larat nak kire, bace pon dah mengah )

I just realized today that before this, I keep hoping that if I screw up a little, I'll be able to mend it later, or maybe someone will. It just won't cut it anymore. I work hard for my work, came before office hours, and I get to feel good about myself when all of my efforts bear fruit. But I'm not putting the same effort in my other subjects, or even all other aspects of my life . Sure, I go to office, but when I don't understand something, I just get frustrated and give up. Today, I promise myself that I'm not going to do that anymore. I told my wife, anything worth having is worth working for. Im in a relationship, and I committed to it. my wife and I made sacrifices, we'd enough tears to fill up Lake, made efforts to make it work, and even though it amounts to nothing, no one can say to my face I didn't try hard enough because I did. Well, here's another kind of "relationship" that needs my commitment and devotion, and I'm not going to dissapoint. If it means sacrifices, then damn it, that's what I'll give.

Okay, Bubbye!

Assalamu'alaikum...

doorway and timeless black...

2009-12-09T09:02:00.004+08:00

Hmmm... dah due tige hari tak tulis pape... busy sket these past few days. Nie pun actuallynye nak kene pegi training nie, tapi malas sgt nak menapak gie car park besides kerja pun bnyak, duduk jap sampai head-rush hilang. Hmm.. nak tulis ape ha? Kalau salah tulis, jadi bahan kutuk/ejek orang. Kontroversial lah pulak. Tanak lah camtuh, create a controversy and suddenly become a "frenzy". Even though kalau betullah kan bende tuh jadi, good for me sebab pahale "berbakul-bakul" ( ikut ape sorang kawan nie cakap ) dapat kat aku. Ish... bile pikir-pikir, susah kalau nak kene berlapik kat blogger sendiri.

Especially when blogger tuh di create basically for kite sendiri to keep track of things happening in kite punye lives, created for ourselves, and bukannye tempat untuk create bahan for the sole purpose of letting people read. Kadang-kadang bile dengar orang cakap pasal orang lain ( actually nye penah je kantoikan orang cakap pasal aku gak, but malas nak amek pusing ), I wonder kalau the people yang tgh cakap tuh really knows the person yang jadi bahan cakap. Kalau die kate yes, sebab diorang kawan baik, then hipokrit sangat sebab kalau the moment die out of of sight, kutuk/gelak macam nak mati, depan die baik lah pulak ( dah lah kawan sendiri, takkan lah rendah sgt your threshold of tolerance sampai kan ke bende-bende sebesar bijik sagu pun nak cakap. Mane loyalty? ).

Kalau die kate no, kenal camtuh-catuh je, then aku nye opinion, don't say anything, sebab ko takde right nak cakap pasal org tuh even when he/she is a close friend. You don't know that person, so mane ko tau bende2 yang cakap for fun tuh tak boleh timbul jadi fitnah? Kalau kate lah die buat something yang ko rase sgt bagus/pelik/kelakar/tak elok, then mention sekali, comment on it, lepas tuh sudah-sudah lah. Ko rase die nye baju sume pelik, or die jalan macam askar, so? Entahlah, I just never saw ape yang seronok gelakkan petty-petty things like that. Kenelah respect the fact yang sume orang different, kan? Entah lah, amusement tuh , for me, ade lah line die kat mane. Ade this fine line between commenting what a person does or say and finding it amusing, and basically just being a jerk and gelakkan orang over and over simply because ko tak kenal orang tuh, so die easy target nak pekene. How pathetic is that? Hehehe.. ranting in the morning, biaselah general stuff..... tgh carik alasan tamau gie training RISK MGT nie actuallynye, but I can't find one, so haul ass...

By the way my love wife final exam today, hope she doin good...gudluck..

~fir~

Haaa... and now...

2009-12-02T12:44:00.004+08:00

Haaa... and now...

=====================================

Sape ingat lagu nie...

ade seorang kawan, namanya Ah Seng, dia juga, berkawan, namanya Muthu, kami berkawan baik, sama sedarjah, belajar, bersama, main bersama.... hey hey hey ( 2 kali), tiga sekawan... ( ulang rangkap terakhir 2 kali )

==============fir's===================

Keskeskes... lagu belajar mase darjah satu, or due, tak ingat... lagu tuh obviously for budak laki ( mase tuh mane main laki kawan pompuan, pompuan kawan laki, sume nak kawan same jenis jek), tapi cikgu main bantai suruh sume orang nyanyi.... apsal lagu nie lekat kat otak: sebab mase tuh talent show, cikgu amek ramai2 budak buat boria, and me... hehehe.. watashi selamat from kene pakai baju merah bunge putih sebab cikgu kasik score soh main piano accompany budak... muahahaha.... score senang jek... mmg khas untuk dimain oleh budak2.... hehehe... teringat dulu kalau talent show sure kene main piano, penah skalik je main kastenet, tapi mase tuh sebab satu kelas kene buat mini-orkestra, and ade due tige kali nyanyi ( lagu sume English... except sekali kene pakai kostum and nyanyi lagu betik ... urgh... freaky ) ... hahaha... adoi lah zaman budak-budak..... memory paling best, mase tadika... mase tuh masuk nasyid, jadik solo tuh ( wuuhh... mase tuh bangge tak ingat ), tapi ustazah pesan soh praktis mase rehat... tapi mase die cakap tuh mane dengar sebab sume org tgh sebok nak gie rehat... last2 tengok2 tak cukup 3 orang: me and another two girls. Ustazah carik punye carik, last-last jumpe kitorang kat padang.... tgh main bola sepak ngan due tige budak pompuan lain ngan budak laki jugak ( hahahaha... mase tuh tak paham konsep lagik... cube bayangkan main bola gan 2-3 org budak pompuan, yg aku igt cuma farah je skrng ni dia kat US... gile.. ). Hehehe.... ustazah panggil masuk dalam kelas praktis nasyid, nasib je tak kene jerit sebab die tuh garang.... Paling best, besok tuh time die ngajar, die ajar kejap je, pastu die soh kitorang main bola sepak depan kelas... sume orang, tak kisah laki ke pompuan... hahaha... I have no idea apsal die wat camtuh. Waaa... ape lagik, main sampai habes mase rehat... last-last bile balik rumah kene marah ngan nenek sebab baju sume penuh debu ( sebab depan kelas bukan padang, tanah lapang, nasib tak jatuh sebab tadek rumput nak tahan ) .

Bile time pertandingan nasyid tuh sampai, kitorang dapat nomor due... yang menang tuh baju lip lap gile, macam model ... siap ade labuci kat baju sume ( I didn't remember about the costume,)Hadiah pemenang nomor due: pencil box , pensel ngan pemadam ( which I don't have ) dengan coloring book .Yang pelik, die kasi coloring book, pensel kaler tadek, nak soh orang kaler ngan pensel ke ape, buat black and white. Nasib mase tuh tgh "baby kesayangan bapak" ( skang pon... ngehehehe ), bapak belikan pensel kaler spesel sebab nak kaler buku. Ingat lagi, pensel kaler Luna yang ketot tuh, ade semilan kaler je kot kat dalam, punye sayang sampai kedekut nak kasi orang pinjam. Alahai.... kan best jadi budak-budak...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

:::b.L.i.N.d::

2009-03-07T21:57:00.003+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

I got a nice story from my partner in CRIME. There is so hurt knowing that your love is valued simply because it's....Suffice to say ... :(

~cinta itu buta...

Today at 4:02pm

Ada sorang lelaki buta. Semua orang bencikan dia, kecuali kekasihnya. Lelaki itu selalu berkata,

“Saya akan mengahwini awak di saat saya boleh melihat.”

Suatu hari, ada orang dermakan mata kepada lelaki itu. Akhirnya dapat juga lelaki itu melihat. Dengan segera, dia pergi menemui kekasihnya. Tetapi, bila dia melihat kekasihnya, dia merasa sungguh terkejut kerana kekasihnya juga buta. Kekasihnya bertanya,

“Sudikah awak berkahwin dengan saya sekarang?”

Tanpa sebarang alasan, lelaki itu menolak. Kekasihnya tersenyum dan berlalu pergi sambil berkata.

“Tolong jaga mata saya baik-baik…”

p/s: misz u ppl so much tht i tagged each of you...~*h**a~

Wassalam.........

::fir is fir:::

2009-03-02T21:58:00.008+08:00

assalamu'alaikum.....

How does it all move along so quickly? I'm talking about my life. I can't believe how fast it goes. Oh I know. Some days seem like weeks. Then there are months that seem like weeks. There are weeks that seem to last just a day. Time really does move quickly. Yet, I think I know people whose clock stopped a long time ago. They stopped growing and thinking. They have basically been in neutral for much of their lives. These are people who started talking about being old while in their 40's. How boring! That is no way to live. No, I think I will pass on shutting down long before I die*sigh*....

...YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A FUNK WHEN YOU .....

.. keep refreshing your Facebook profile over and over thinking that something's gonna change, and then you realize d'oh! You're the one who's supposed to edit stuff.

... read the same sentence over and over again or five minutes.

... stare at your phone debating if you should go on a text message frenzy, then realize that each text message cost money 'cause you didn't sign up or the stupid plan. Then you went on a semi-frenzy anyway (sorry guys..)

... keep wanting to cry when you realize you gonna leaving your native soil and you're not gonna be able to back home :( ... I will miss home ... waaa!!

... looked at a friend's Facebook profile and squinted really hard to try and make his/her face (or in a particular case, feet look like an alien.

... start playing trash can basketball (or paper balls) or a good 10 minutes The when you realize what you're doing, you start to think, what a funny word the word "balls" is... balls... ball isn't that fun, but the plural has potential...

.... realize that you're rambling in your bloggy blog blog....

~Super BBQ with them~

2009-02-12T20:22:00.012+08:00

assalamu'alaikum.....

So...last friday(30.1.2009) after my dreadful last day at office, and the next weekend my ex-colleague and I had a bbq party...we were kinda swim-ing around and acted like total freaks!!...but it was super-duper fun!! :D

We are supposed 2 meet at 5.00pm...but we officially started around 6.00pm because we had to carry real heavy stuffs from 20th floor to 6th floor..hahahha...

LoL So I can't really put up a whole bunch of pics on my blog 'cause I don't really want to wait to upload s***, but here are a few gems that hopefully satisfies those who have been asking "mane gambar weh?". So walla! Here are some pics:

The hall of zaza's apartment. Zaza's apartment have a pretty big 4-bedroom(if im not mistaken), 2-bath apartment. The guys you see are those working in my ex-company, and in case you're wondering.....

Me and my mentor, Gabbie. Thanks Gabbie for the shoots! See how cool my mentor is?

THE couples (din and C-tah)..muse of their future..gud luck to them!

Introducing....Gabbie and zaziot *smilezz*

~Wall of Bbq~

for other pics are not up there...it's not forgotten...Im just lazy to upload more pics!!!....however I WILL put the pics later on the next entries...hahahha

A part of Unending: by Fir

2009-02-07T08:50:00.009+08:00

.................Dalam pada itu Suraya dan Dira pergi keluar membeli barang-barang dapur di pasaraya. Mereka berjalan keluar dari pasaraya.

Dira: Mom, can I sleep over at rin’s house, rin asked her mom already and she said it’s ok if you say its ok, so can I please??

Suraya: What? Wait honey I thought you wanted me to pick you up around 10, I told your dad to home early.

Dira: I know mom, but it’s boring to stay at home alone tonight...

Suraya: Alone?

Dira: yes Because mom its special day, don’t you want the whole house to yourselves and not have to worry about me.I mean it beats sneking to the laundry room so I don’t have to hear you guys like you always do.

Suraya: What are you talking about? Your father and me do not go to the laundry room.

Dira: Mom? Please I’m 7, I’m not dumb.

Suraya: 6 not 7?

Dira: yeah whatever..then mom how?

Muka suraya agak merah mendengar kata-kata anaknya.

Suraya: ok. But im picking you up tomorrow morning at 7.

Dira: Yes! Ok...

Suraya:And I’m going need talk to untie Zarin’s ok?

Dira: Yea mom, you got it....

Suraya mencium anaknya, anaknya lari menuju ke kereta BMW nya.

Dira: mom open the doors?

Suraya menekan alarm keretanya untuk membuka pintu. Dira pun masuk kedalam kereta.

Firdaus mengangkat telefonya lalu menghubungi Suraya.

Telefon suraya berbunyi.Dia tersenyum melihat panggilan suaminya

Firdaus: sayang I’m on the way back now...but probally a bit late....because we just move...

Suraya: Hey honey, I just thinking about you, would you make it more fasters, we have plans honey! I mean to cook for us a beautiful dinner, can’t you make sure....dont be too late?

Firdaus: You don’t think I tried that honey? I met Ivanov...and im stuck there...

Suraya: Ivanov? He was dangerous...

Firdausuas: I know honey, look I promise once I’m done here I’ll come straight home we’ll make up for whatever time we lost until dira comes home.

Suraya: I told dira she can sleep over you brother house tonight, so yea look honey don’t worry about it just come home when you done ok? Ok honey I’ll see ya later...

Firdaus: ok bye I love you...

Suraya pun menhidupkan enjin keretanya. Dalam tidak disangka seorang lelaki yang tidak dikenali telah masuk ke dalam keretanya. Lelaki tersbut terus menujukan pistol ke arah Suraya.

Guy: Give me your fucking keys now lady!

Dira: Ahhhhh!!!

Dira menjerit ketakutan.Lelaki tersebut melihat di sekeliling jika ada orang terlihat.

Suraya: Please don’t hurt me!

Guy: Shut up lady!

Dira dengan berani keluar dari kereta.

Suraya: Run dira!!! Run!!!!

Guy: Shit!

Suraya: Please don’t hurt me!

Guy: Shut up lady!

Lelaki tersebut masih megacukan pistol di kepala suraya.

Guy: I’m not going to tell you again lady, where’s the fucking keys?

Suraya: Here! Please take it! Just don’t hurt me please! You can have it.

Setelah menyerahkan kunci tersebut lelaki tersebut telah menembak suraya.Di dadanya dan dia telah rebah jatuh. Dira hanya dapat melihat ibunya ditembak. Dalam pada itu seorang agen kerajaan FSS telah lalu disitu.Dia melihat kejadian tersebut dan terus bergegas kesitu. Dia juga menyelamatkan Dira. Dia terus memandu kereta suraya dengan laju.Tetapi Agent tersebut telah melepaskan tembakan dan megenai tayar keretanya.Lelaki tersebut hilang kawalan.Dia melanggar sebuah kereta lain.Didalam kereta tersebut telah ada seorang pemandu perempuan (Julia). Agent terus melulu ke kereta suraya yang terhenti.

Agent: Shit! Hey girl go inside my car and call the police..Hurry up!

Dira menangis teresak-esak melihat kedaan emaknya yang masih kaku.

Agent: Hey freeze!

Guy: Fuck you!

Agent: Im not going to tell you again, I said Freeze!

Guy: I said Fuck!

Lelaki tersebut cuba melepaskan tembakan ke arah agent tersebut.Walaubagaimanapun Agent tersebut melepaskan dua das tembakan mengenai dada lelaki tersebut.

Dira pula terus berlari mendapatkan emaknya.

Dira: Mom! Mom!

Agent: Shit!

Agent tersebut meletakkan pistolnya kembali dan terus memeluk dira.Dira menanggis dengan kuat sekali.................

..........Firdaus merancang untuk memindahkan keluarga keluar dari Russia, Kerana dia takut akan keselamatan keluarganya.

Dia juga teringat akan kata-kata arwah isterinya.

Pada satu malam Firdaus memanggil seluruh keluarganya termasuk Sya yang berada Di German dan Maksunya yang berada di UK. Firdaus ingin memberitahu tetang perancangannya untuk memindahkan Keluarganya.

Malam tesebut semua telah berada di Rumah Firdaus. Rumah mereka pada malam itu di kawal ketat oleh berbelas agen kerajaan yang diarahkan oleh president Russia.

Dira: Grandma, Mom got death and it happened just like that and there was nothing would do…

Mama: Hey Dira! Don’t say about it now! I know how your feels right now…I’m take care of you now ok.Your father has something very important to say.

Dira: I miss mom!

Mama terus memeluk cucunya itu.Mama Firdaus memang terasa sangat akan kehilangan suraya. Dia sangat sedih melihat keadaan cucunya yang kehilangan ibu. Mama masih trauma dengan apa yang berlaku.Dalam pada itu Firdaus pun memulakan perbincangan mereka. Dia melabuhkan punggunya di kerusi sambil tanganya menutup mukanya.Dia memang kelihatan agak tidak terurus dan keliru.

Firdaus: Ok everybody its here now! but before I start. I would like to say.If we start asking why we’ll go crazy.So, Rule number one. We don’t ask why?

Zarin: Why? We just want to know why? that’s my First rule.I always ask Why.Come on!

Niel terus memegang tangan isterinya seperti tidak bersetuju dengan tindakan isterinya. Didalam keluarga mereka bila Arwah abahnya atau Firdaus bercakap tidak akan ada seorang pun yang akan membantah. Firdaus juga mewarisi sikap begitu dari arwah ayahnya

Firdaus: To change my word I would have have to change yet my disposition. If a cold heart wins success, I’m proud to be a failure!

Zarin seperti tidak bersetuju dengan tindakan Firdaus yang suka membuat keputusan tanpa berbincang dengan keluarganya.

Firdaus: Look! I know this is very unfair to you zarin! But, you re my family. You re all I’ve got. What if something happen to you?

Firdaus terus merenung ke mata zarin.Matanya seolah-oleh seperti menangis.Firdaus bangun dari kerusinya.

Firdaus: What if I couldn’t get to you?

Zarin: Actually! I was scared of what you gonna do.

Firdaus: listen, Have I ever done anything stupid?

Zarin: no!

Firdaus: I mean so far, I have screwed it up for anyone in this family?

Zarin mendiamkan dirinya. Pertama kali dia nampak Firdaus agak serius. Ahli keluarganya yang lain masih terdiam.

Firdaus: I don’t know what to say about it, zarin.It was form of temporary insanity. But I had to do this.

Malam tersebut agak tegang. Firdaus juga tertekan terpaksa membuat keputusan yang agak besar. Akhirnya mereka semua bersetuju untuk berpindah dari Russia. Tapi Firdaus masih belum menyatakan dimana tempat baru mereka.

Firdaus termenung dari atasnya melihat. Apa yang berlaku kepada dalam dirinya.Semuanya seperti sekelip mata.

Sedang dia termenung.Anaknya tiba-tiba muncul.

Dira: Hi dad! What you doin?

Firdaus: Hey! you didn’t sleep yet….

Dira: I can’t sleep!! U thinking of mom dad?

Firdaus: Yea sometimes honey! I really miss her….

Dira memeluk ayahnya pilu.

Dira: I miss her too dad! Really much…But life must go on!

Firdaus: you just like your mom…you was great…strong…

Dira: I’ve learn from her dad! She teaches me a lot.

Firdaus mencium anaknya.

Dira: dad!

Firdaus: yes!

Dira: We have to take care each other…you remember what mom says?

Firdaus: yes!

Dira: Dad! Can I ask you something?

Firdaus: what is it honey?

Dira: Why we have to move and where?

Firdaus: hmm!! I admit we moved to United states because I was tired of Russia provincial, but that doesn’t mean I ready for States culture. It’s ok for you?

Dira: honestly! Dad …I’m not…I love Moscow so much…here! But its ok…as long as you with me..anywhere…

Firdaus: oh well! Wasn’t it Shakespeare who said; “ when the strangers do meet they should ere long see one another again”?

Dira: Dad! Shakespears never said that.

Firdaus: How do you know?

Dira: it’s terrible you just made it up! Maybe you forgot I grew up with the shakepears story….

Firdaus: yeah! Your mom….right?

Dira: she read the book for me before I sleep.

Firdaus: everyday!

Dira: almost dad!

Firdaus: you are genius…

Dira: everybody love dira’s

Firdaus tersenyum melihat keletah anaknya itu. Dia merasa beruntung kerena mendapat anak yang sangat memahami.

3 tahun berlalu Firdaus dan keluarnganya kini menetap di Wyoming, United States. Firdaus tidak aktif seperti dulu dia hanya melakukan pelaburan dan dia mendapat royalty daripada Lukoil. Dia kurang menonjol seperti dahulu. Dia mula membina semula kebahagiaan keluargana.Kakaknya juga telah berkahwin dan menetap California. Niel dan zarin pula menetap dengan behhampiran dengan rumah Firdaus.

Pada satu pagi sedang Firdaus tidur anaknya mengejutkanya. Dira terus memanjat ke atas badan ayahnya.

Firdaus: hey honey! Stop it.

Dira: Dad! Come on get up!

Firdaus: honey! Its still early…

Dira: come on dad! I got surprise for you downstairs. Come get out.

Dira terus menarik bantal ayahnya.

Dira: Please dad you wont regret it!

Firdaus: ok ok! Just give me a minute let me wash up!

Firdaus bangun dan membersihkan mukanya.

Dira: faster dad!lets go…

Firdaus bangun dengan perlahan menuju ke toilet.Dira pula melihat perlahan pergerakkan ayahnya. Setelah selesai Firdaus turun ke bawah dia mencari dimana anaknya.

Firdaus memangil anaknya.

Firdaus: Dira! Dira! Do you know where I put my cell phone cause it’s not upstrairs?

Dira tidak menjawab, dia bergereak terus ke dapur. Dia ternampak banyak makanan dia atas meja.

Dira: supprise!

Firdaus agak terkejut. Dia terus bergerak menuju ke meja makan tersebut.

Firdaus: Hey honey! What is this?

Dira: I made you breakfast dad,its mothers day

Firdaus: no offense honey but this day isn’t for me anymore..

Dira: I understand dad, if you don’t like it then…

Firdaus: like it? Hey honey I love it! It’s just that ever since your mother died I kind of lost the love I had for this special day, but don’t get me wrong honey the food looks great.

Firdaus pun menjamah satu pancake yang dibuat anaknya.

Firdaus: I mean you have pancakes, eggs and French toast, there’s not a man in the world that wouldn’t love to wake up to this….

Firdaus terus mencium dahi anaknya.Dia agak terharu atas apa yang anaknya lakukan.Mereka masih terasa kehilangan Suraya.

Firdaus: Thanks honey!

Sedang mereka beremosi Sepupunya Rin telah memanggilnya untuk bermain baseball. Rin datang ke rumah Firdaus untuk menjemput dira bersama emaknya zarin, untuk latihan baseball di sekolah mereka.

Dira: ok Dad!untie zarin,me and Rin is going to practice early for the game today.

Dira ters berlari mendapatkan topi dan sarung tangan baseball diatas meja.

Dira: oh and I fogot the game starts at 3 so don’t be late and your phone is right there.

Firdaus terus mendapat telefonya.

Dira: You left it in the bathroom last night, and before you leave make sure you feed buddy and turn off the coffee machine ok?

Sambil memegang telefonya Firdaus melihat anaknya membebel tidak berhenti.Dia tersenyum

Firdaus: Honey don’t worry about it I got it!! I’ll take care my self.

Dira: you sure!

Firdaus: Can you just go?

Dira: ok dad I love you!

Firdaus: I love you to sweetheart.

Dira pun keluar dari rumahnya.Dira memang seorang yang petah dan banyak bercakap seperti emaknya.Firdaus masih berdiri di dapur nya sambil menjamu pancakes yang disediakan anaknya.Dia melihat patung bugs bunny di sebelahnya. Dia bercakap dengan patung tersebut.

Firdaus: It looks like just me and you bunny…hmmmmm yup I know…

Fidaus berjalan ke ruang tamunya.Dia mengambil notebooknya sepertu biasa untuk melihat apa ang berlaku dengan Lukoil.Walaupun dia tidak lagi memegang apa-apa jawatan tapi Firdaus masih lagi share holder yang terbesar dalam lukoil dan dia mangawalnya melalui orang-orang kanan kepercayaannya.Dia juga membalas Email orang-orang kanannya untuk memberitahu apa yang patut mereka lakukan.Niel pula telah memegang jawatan Ceo untuk lukoil di united states dan kakaknya pula mengawal seluruh pasaran di calfornia bersama dengan suaminya.

Setelah beberapa jam membalas email dan menerima berita dari Moscow Firdaus berehat seketika. Dia menyandarkan badanya di kerusi. Tanganya memegang gambar isterinya. Dia meluahkan sesuatu.

Firdaus: hey honey! Never have I pictured that I would be speak to dead people. I don’t know maybe it’s because I still wish you weren’t gone. I mean our child...she knows. And ever since that day every time I look at her you can see the great big wall she puts up for herself.

Air mata Firdaus mula bergelinangan.

Firdaus: She even joins sports to keep herself busy so she wouldn’t have to deal with days like this and I don’t blame her.She were strong like you honey.I wish that this whole thing is one big dream and that I’d wake up in minute and see your smile again. I don’t know honey, but u don’t worry, I teach her how to pray and mengaji al quran and she will be as your dream insyallah…I love you honey…

Selepas kematian suraya Firdaus lebih suka tidak menonjol dan dia agak penyabar dan lebih bertolak ansur dalam banyak hal.walaubagaimanapun tentang hal urusan perniagaan dia masih seorang yang tegas dan percaya kepada nalurinya.

Firdaus sebenarnya gembira dengan kekidupanya sekarang.Dira adalah penyeri dalam hidupnya.Dia menyanyangi dira dan mendidik dira setulus ikhlas hatinya. Walaupun tanpa suraya dengan keletah anaknya dia tidak terlalu merasa kehilangan suraya.

Firdaus ingin pergi ke Michigan kerana ingin melawat Niel dan bertanya tentang operasi di states.Firdaus sudah lama tidak keluar di Wyoming. Dia pergi ke rumah emaknya yang berdekatan. Firdaus dan dira tiba dirumah emaknya....................

................Semasa didalam Keratapi dalam perjalanan ke michigain.

Dira: dad! Yesterday I’ve heard something that was relates to me.what was it?

Firdaus: hmm! Nothing sweatheart!

Dira: dad…please just tell me…I know is something…

Firdaus: Actually someone offer me to handle a project in france.

Dira: and so?

Firdaus: I’m think of you..

Dira: thiking of what?

Firdaus: everything!

Dira: dad!

Firdaus: yeah! Im worried you’ll not comfortable when we always move around, and you have to meet new friends, meet a new culture…and the most important thing it will effect your learning.

Dira: I’m satisfied with your answers…its up to you dad! I’ll be at your side all the time…by the way I read in the magazine the other day that Paris is the 6^th least stressful town live in.Rents are high, everything’s expensive, eating out can cost your arm and leg and malls there are no taller than two stories high…but I know you were the second richest behind the William gates III? Right dad! Money is not in your stressful list….

Firdaus: hey! Slowly People can hear…ok

Dira: ops! Sorry…hehehehe…

Helluuuu to my self

2009-02-06T22:05:00.007+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

The weekend before last (so it's about 1 weeks ago), on friday..My last day of work. Oh boy... kinda sad. I've loved working here. I mean, where else can I find a job that let's me come in wearing glasses, t-shirt and jeans... and still work in an office? *Sigh*.... I'm gonna miss this... even though I proby coming back to the exact same office but working in a different position with the exact same pay. The hours will be shorter, of course, that's what I'm looking for.Btw, gotta admit the transition is tough :( . From being in school to being in the corporate environment and back to school(IF)... it's just vastly different. I'm lucky, though. Previously the people I work with are amazing, I'm with a great company that cares about its employees(but still got the side issues..heck!) and the community, and the paycheck ain't that bad either. Before you start thinking that I'm rich, I gotta tell you that the my expenses is ridiculously high. sheeshhh

Weird. One minute I'm excited to go fly and a few minutes later I am not, the next I'm totally dreading the lack of confident that I know is going to plague me as soon as I step foot on Dublin soil. Hopefully I won't be an asshole "IF" I repeat "IF" I reach there...Aaahhh... the good old days when u know exactly who you are, what you have to do and where you wanna go. Now u have OPTIONS... and you have to MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS and be an ADULT... waaaa!!! I want my blanky and my lovely ain... sob sob...

Things are pretty quiet now in my life, aside from doing something, sleep and worrying about money, I really have nothing going on. I received my last payments today, planned a budget for upcoming charges (and hopefully a trip to M***N) and decided that I'm in pretty good shape.

I so do not have stuff to do now, but I'm done writing too, Lol.

~fir~

I'm just ramblings.............

2009-02-03T19:42:00.004+08:00

Everyone has a purpose in life, a reason for being. Somewhere deep inside we know this, we can feel it. Allah, in his wisdom, gave us our own unique talents, gifts and callings. We were created to share those gifts with the world.

It seems like everyone has different opinions and expectations in my life. My parents want me to be an accountant, my friends say be a lawyer and I always letting them down. I have no idea what I personally want to do and that looks like or how to find it. Figuring out what to do with my life can be difficult and confusing.

Now that my life as a banker is ending, I feel as if there's nothing left to be excited about. I spent the better part my childhood looking ahead to these glorious days. Just what do I have to look forward to now? ahhh!!!!!!!!!

5 things that annoyed me today...

2009-02-03T19:32:00.003+08:00

5 things that annoyed me today:

1. ????????????

2. Annoying things on my friendster

3. Movie "don't talk to stranger"

4. Goverment servant!!!!!

5. How everytime I want MY drink that I put in the refigerator and it's GONE!!!!!

and thank you so much..sheeshhh!!!!

She reminds me of who I am...

2009-01-27T20:07:00.011+08:00

Dear ain,

I love you, we had a give-and-take relationship. Expecting one another to do in return when things had been done. We had a speed bump here lately, because of the minor issues. We have dedicated to working out issues but the personality conflict hurt us so much.We see each other daily and on the surface things go well. We even have honest talks daily, hopefully working towards better times. I miss her uncontrollably.I have realized the give-and-take relationship was based on selfish motives, so I’ve learned to love unconditionally, regardless of her feelings towards me.

My someone is incredible. She has been a wonderful person, beautiful, magnanimous, and has always forgiven me for my mistakes. We are very different people, different upbringing and different experiences and as such, brings about conflicts.But seriously I want to love her more. And I think I can do so my listening to her more. I know I should do that, but keep failing in my attempts. I am accused of not listening to her and I always counter by saying I do understand. I know that I sometimes forget that simple truth. Life gets in the way. With a long distance relationship which I don’t really have an option, I be very selfish. Even if I try to hide it, it is there .But, suddenly I have have been renewed with the deep love and desire to be close to her. I don’t know what it is, it just is. She is everything to me. I can’t believe I was blind to that for so long. It is like I have crawled out of a dark cave and am being blinded by a bright light.So I will try my best to LISTEN to her, love her more and I hope the things I do will please her. There is nothing more I want in this world than for us to be happy.

I simply dedicate myself to giving her unconditional love. Now and forever!

~from fir with love~

2009-01-26T21:08:00.002+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

Before I start writing, I just want to say takziah to someone who I know is going through a hard time in his life right now. May Allah always give you courage and strength to go through the rest of your days, and may He lessen the pain for you. Know that you and your family are always in my prayers.

"....knock knock knock on the door....

Except for the knocking part, that's how my life has been lately. Last week mimpi bertemakan bende yg same, except mimpi semalam yg almost mati tu. Hari-hari mimpi tema tu. Bukan mimpi yg same, tapi byk melibatkan org yg same. Sorang tuh mmg stok yg everytime mimpi je, macam nak lepuk, yg sorang tu plak complicated sket. Malam tadi mimpi ade pelakon tambahan lah pulak, tapi tak nampak org nye, dgr suare dlm phone jek. Dalam mimpi sendiri pun kene marah jugak, wat the jadah..... That's it, lepas nie nak kene bace sikit kertas side effects ubat yg tgh ambik skang nie, mane tau, tetibe die cakap "Warning: may induce mild psychological effects resulting in disturbed sleep, spontaneous combustion and nausea."btw slept in the living room instead. Woke up to the advertisement of The Firm. Aiyok... nothing more depressing in the mornings than to wake up to a health advertisement after admonishing yourself the day before about all the pretty clothes that you can't fit into. Well, actually there is something more depressing

Today is holiday. Whoopee!! No stress, tons of work. I'm gonna have the whole day to spend with my lovely someone....best...best hopefully she'll available and free so leh la dgr sore, rindunye tu la jauh2 lagi kan dah kena dah, but it was so much fun instead trust me..just now I was browsing through my Friendster and came upon some pictures, at somebody else's account (I haven't figured out camane nak block user gune Friendster), that made me feel like a big boulder just landed on my chest. It was as if I had a thousand knives and a thousand arrows simultaneously piercing through my heart and shredding it to pieces. Strange, how you would think you are past all of those things and yet even the dumbest things can trigger what I call the "Post-relation Cardiac". Like fare said, nak lupe, tapi kalau lupe, macam kering jadinye, so tak lupe (or something like that lah). My mom would be so mad if she finds out about this.

ok 'nuff about that, Special congrats to adik fare for appearing in the magazine(ape ntah lupa) memperagakan care2 memakai tudung dgn ayunye. And special gelak to adik raz for kantoi masuk rancangan pun ape ntah kat astro tu lupa, heheheh. Kidding sweetie, you looked fabulous, kalau betul the girl I thought was you really is you (ape jadah ntah grammar, bantai sajaaa )...*smile*..dah la tak tahu ape nak pen lagi dah messed up entries ni lantak la...

~fir~

:::e.v.o.L::

2009-01-23T20:20:00.005+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

Burning is a more intense feeling that emptiness for those who don’t know. The burning feeling inside sometimes felt so bad sometimes that it felt like molten lava flowing inside me. This is a very severe sign of a lack of love. I’m wriitng this so that if you feel this way, I want you to know that I KNOW how it feels, that you’re NOT alone… and most especially that you know that I got better and you will too.So… sometimes I would have this terrible burning feeling inside me. I felt so awful inside, I thought I was slowly dying. One day I felt this way while I was at finnan. I knew that I needed a someone could love to hug me just for a moment....*tears* but, I’m going to be very honest with you about this one thing. It was very tough for people to love me. I was so used to being alone that I didn’t recognise their love, I didn’t know how to respond to it and I couldn’t respond back and sometimes I might also be offensive, because hurt people are the ones who hurt other people (hurt people hurt people)....

For me we should to love others too. Love others as you love yourself. I have written extensively on 'love' topics, but this post is focussing on the absolutely important need to love yourself. Not to “fall in love” with yourself, not to think you’re all that matters - but to have kindness for yourself.

For those who have the empty feeling inside, if you’re like I was, I couldn’t see the fun in life. I felt bad and wrote (or did other things) to change my mood. Read and write (and other things) helped me feel better. I did good things to change my mood too. I used to pen a LOT (I still do). I am sure that helped me become who I am. I've tried being passive and waiting for healing and usually it doesn't work. WHY? because you have to love others and they will love you back, you'll have lots of love in your life right? If you have love in your life, you’ll be less likely to look at peoples in the wrong way, less likely to be down and then over-eat or hurt yourself or hurt others. Love is healing but people like to used it for damaging their emotions and then causing them to hurt each other and be selfish....think!

Let go of those old arguments, let go of what was done to you. Forgiving will result in you letting go and moving on. Forgiving is GOOD for you because if you forgive then others will forgive you too! But even when you forgive, you don’t need to restore the relationship, you don’t have to go back into an abuse situation. Just forgive and let go and move on. Onwards and upwards!...

~love me when I'm gone~

::efil ym fo yenruoj:::

2009-01-23T12:11:00.004+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

Sometimes not even sure where I am and my heart's pulling me towards something big. I can feel it.

Have you seen Donnie Darko?

You know the little invisible trails that show you your predetermined spot.It feels like I can FEEL mine..but I don't know where they're leading...this is giving me a huge urge to just sporadically try many things to see if it relieves the tug towards something.. but that might just be wasting time. I'm not sure.just feeling odd. maybe I should sleep....*sigh*

wasalam.....

thank you...

2009-01-20T23:29:00.004+08:00

I'm So Happy I Can't Stop Crying..Pray for us...

2009-01-11T21:16:00.011+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

It is a cliche to say "I love you." But the fact is, I do love my someone. A lot. We've been through a lot together, we enjoy being together, and we're a great team...How do I love my someone? In so many ways…

I love how I never want to write about my love for her because I know that I can never say it just the way I want to. And how I know that I still wouldn’t be able to say or write it the right way even if I was more gifted than Shakespeare. How words can never tell the story of my love for her. Because words have boundaries.

I love how she holds me and asks me what is wrong when I don’t know how to say what is wrong. When all that is wrong is that the world just got a little bit too heavy. And that all I need is her arms around me to make me feel safe and strong again.

I love how I listen to that stupid Hero song of Enrique and cry because I just want to be her hero. I just want to wipe away the tears. I want to kiss away the pain. I just want to stand by her forever. Because she always takes my breath away.

I love how she pretends to need me even though she is so much stronger than me. I know she doesn’t climb mountains. She will make the mountains come to her. And that they will just obey.

I love how she speaks with a “little voice” when she asks me “why you hurts me?” And how I know there will be a little something in there for me.

I love how she laughs and shakes her head and says “What am I going to do with you?” whenever I make one of my suggestive comments. And how I do it just to hear those words.

I love how I try to be funny and tell silly jokes and how I peep at her to see if she is laughing. And how I carry on until I see the beauty of her smile. And the happiness in her laughter.

I love how she wanted me even though she could get anyone she wanted. And how she stays with me even though she can get anyone she wants.

I love seeing her walk and watching her when she doesn’t know I am looking. And how I still have to build up the courage to ask her out.

I love how she eggs me on to go play with the girls even though she knows it will drive her crazy.

I love how she holds me and looks into my eyes when she tells me that she loves me more.

I love how she phones me 4 or 5 times a day even if I can only take a call or two.

I love how she puts her hand on my leg when we go for a drive.

I love how she believes in me even when I have my doubts.

I love how I know real love because of her.

I love how she loves me.
I love how I love her.

I love her.

I love how I can write another million words and still not tell you how I love my someone.

........wasalam.........

Journey to the North...."this is our Faith"

2009-01-01T21:54:00.009+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

A lot of things has happened over the weekend, personally on me (wha...? talk later...), btw Iwan and I headed to the north( Sg Petani) to do something besides the sight-seeing. It was pretty awesome, considering that before this, my only views of SP came from either a car window or a bus window. It was really, really a city, where there are a lot of new and nice buildings and everyone drives like a maniac. We went down sp north city, which separates the north and the south part of SP, and we went down small town where all the people were hanging out ( I told Iwan, are we in KL? I thought SP just look like a Cowboy's town ). We saw the TESCO where they had a shopping going on and we could see all of the people sitting in coffee shop. We saw a lot of the things that I thought only saw in KL : Old town white coffee, Chennai curry House, Pantai Medical Centre and supprisingly a lot of shopping mall and basically is a modern city Center, my fingers are numb from typing too fast. Let's just say we say a lot of buildings. Hang on.

Okay.. moving on...my someone grew up in SP, so I got a nice history lesson too along the way. It's pretty cool, I didn't realize that SP was quite that old. I was pretty impressed. They also had a lot of construction going on. Every corner we turned, there was some sort of a building coming up, but the traffic still consider ok compared to KL..

Time to be vague... people, stop reading right now 'cause I'm gonna stop making sense.

wasalam....

new hope...new rules...

2009-01-01T07:27:00.009+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

To all my faithfull reader a new year may bring us both anticipation and anxiety for the unexpected. I hope your new year has started out with giving you inspiration and ideas for what's to come through you, your different way of engagements and the people around you this year. I am very impressed by all the people and blogs I've come across this past year and I just wanna say, Keep up the good work! My new year's had a good start. Though 2008 ended with feeling quite tired from a hectic December, it now makes me even more excited about going to study with new strength and joy for 2009.

I feel like I've done the career/work side of thinking about things. I guess I really kicked off the new start for myself when I started up a big event 1 month ago - I feel like even though I'm taking a bit of a chance with things, I have made the right decisions, and hopefully it will be good for me in the long run. New Year almost always inspires more personal musings in me, especially following a year when I feel like I haven't necessarily done the best for myself *sigh*

2009 for me, was not an amazing year to be frank. I had allot of ups and downs when it comes to jobs, books and such, and basically it could have gone better. My hope is, that 2009 will go slightly better and wishing to all of you the best of luck this year.....

~fir~

ermmm.....

2008-12-28T12:42:00.012+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

Okay, so I've been kinda horrible in updating my page... sorry!! I've been busy lately, with big event(supprise!!) and getting sick and catching up all that other good stuff... also the abundance in work. Funnnn....

Anyways, it seems to be break-up season yet again. Some of the people I know are changing their relationship status to "single". This is further maginified with the Norman Hakim and Abby Abadi break-up(divorced). I'm sad about Norman and Abby, they were cute together and after several years, one would think that most of the hurdles have gone. I am NOT sorry about the Abby break-up though, I mean the man refuses to remotely act like a husband and father with the constant playing around. Let's see him try and launch that career of his without Bee Bee by his side.

Back to work!

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 6.....

2008-12-20T01:56:00.006+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Last night me, Joe Hanz and Iwan Sj went Kayu Nasi Kandar, a mamak restaurant on the corner of Taipan's area,Usj and. We ordered a whole bunch of indian foods( poori, rawa tousey) and had a teh tarik, limau ice and teh o ice limau drink and Roti sardin to end the meal with. Total cost per person: a cool RM 6.... just for supper. And it wasn't even a special occasion, it was just... lepaking supper. After the 10 bucks I spent on lunch, total spending on food, just for yesterday, was a cool RM50, not including reload card. Oh.. my.. bug. I think somewhere between the foods and coffee, I must've caught something 'cause today my head feels a wee bit heavy and I feel like I'm coming down with something. Bleurgh....

My old phone is busted (it fell and the case broke open, buggy bug bug), so I have now discovered the wonders of new E-series nokia phone, one of the most gifted nokia creation. There's pretty easy to use, and decent enough, actually I do miss the phone with camera and being able to zoom on things, and finally I have now discovered the new wonder of nokia technology: E-71. Observe, the camera 3.2mp plus with the GPS function, wifi, radio,3G and many more cool things Picture Preview:

It's close to 3 am right now, and my brain is slightly out of whack right now. Okay, I need to take a walk to clear my head and warm myself, I'll pen in again when I get to AA!

wasalam...

:::machine head-Hallowed Be Thy Name::

2008-12-18T02:05:00.002+08:00

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 5.....

2008-12-18T00:27:00.002+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

AAARGGHHH!!!! rasa nak Demam demam! Can this week get any worse? Tuh lah, happy sangat last week, kan dah, payback time. Anyway, today I am feel so darn sick adeh! takutlak if I infect anybody else. There's no medicine in the house and office, too. Damn, I'm usually very meticulous about taking vitamin C every day, still I get sick. Dah lah ingat kan nak get my flu shot hari nie, you can't get the shot if you already have the flu! Crappy crappy... on top of it all, Great. Just great. Banyak benda pun tak siap lagik utk big planning, tinggal bape minggu je lagi. Hopefully everything just run smoothly.

I've never been the most obedient child. Slalu je degil takmoh dengar cakap abah (cakap mak dengar lagik, entah, double standard kejap). abah suruh kerja je tak yah fikir study2 lagi, tapi tak nak sebab nak gie overseas gak tak kira ape pun. The only thing that I did listen to him was that to involve myself in the accounting area. Know what, I wish I had listened to everything my daddy said, sebab ikut cakap parents nie banyak berkat nye.Sebagai contoh, my courses, susah camane pun, kambing cmane pun results, mesti ok je. Alhamdulillah sgt2. And sekarang nie, bile situation yang buat kepale tak menentu nie jadi, things are still within my control lah jugak, and tetibe banyak lah pulak "kelapangan" yang wujud. Made me wonder, ntah2 kalau blaja pepandai and jadi doktor dari dulu, I might have breezed through everything nice and well, hehehe. Then again, kalau jadik doktor, takdelah kesempatan nak kenal iwan, dira, sarah, mahyudd, zaza, zeta, nadia, lindzia, gabriel . I wouldn't trade their friendship for anything in the world.

What's in my playlist right now? machine head's "hallowed be thy name".Kesian my neighbor because I keep blaring the computer at ungodly hours. Whoopsie. Hehehe.... me

Okay, nak call my someone..I really love her so much and she love me too..Ciao peeps!

Wassalam...

Keeping mum....

2008-12-06T19:29:00.006+08:00

assalamu'alaikum....

I had a long day today, pepagi bangun gan tak mandi terus jek gerak dari subang gi putrajaya, haihhh visit my untie masuk hospital, Ingatkan just light usual fever tp bile kite gi melawat td, perh!! kinda a seres, haih kesian plak tgk dia.

btw masa on the way nak gi hospital tu, mak sekali lagi buat kecoh. Ade ke dia bawa keta gi langgar divider tepi jalan, adus nak kesian pun ade nk tergelak pun ade. Tapi dr cara dia cerita mmg kesian la maklum la pompuan lagi2 bukan org lain mak juga (sayang mak) ..:), mcm ni la cara dia citer kat aku;

mak: tahu long, mak td nak betul kan lauk nak tumpah dlm keta ni sekali stereng terpusing mak kereta terlompat( bleh plak terlompat) naik kat bahu jalan, mak mengucap banyak, allah masih sayangkan mak.

Dlm pada kejadian tu bleh plak BF mak aku tepon kebetulan (abah la sape lagi);

abah & mak...

abah: awk kat mana ni?

Mak: Inah kat kedai keta ni bang, keta ni stereng dia terpusing, Inah eksiden.

abah: La, mcm mana boleh jadi camtuh, keta tu mmg tak elok dah stereng dia( padahal mak risaukan lauk dia yg nak tertumpah tu).

Mak: ntah la bang.

abah: takpe la nnti belikan keta lain je la, kete tu biar abg amik balik. abg pakai jer( ala sweetnyer bapak aku, klu la aku leh ckp kat isteri aku camtuh, eksiden sket je "tukar keta ye sayang"....cinta gak abah kat mak keskeskeskeskes)

...pastu ade la hal suami isteri dorang ckp...cukup la takat tuh jer leh share..

again mak, kite pun kene la anta mak gi hospital, nak melwat untie kite, sekali dia buat lagi. Masa tu aku sibuk2 carik parking kat hospital, bleh plak mak aku sound;

mak: parking je la kat tpt mak( reserved)
mak: ha tu yg kotak no.2 tuh.

Yg aku heran dan tertanye tuh kat hospital tuh dia tulis 'pakar on call' reserved..aik mak pakar, bila plak dia buat specialist ni*muka blank*..haihhh mmg mak aku ni selamba, kiut dan power. Ape-ape jela mak asal mak bahagia (sayang mak)

~fir~

Fir for her..him or you...

2008-12-05T09:20:00.008+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

Wah ade org majuk... Ita buat lawak sexy pun tak perasan...last weeks ita kawin tp tak dpt pergi because mak banyak tpt nak gi... congrats lah ye ita, mampu cakap nie je, tak mampu nak sendiri menghadirkan diri, LoL. Tak sangke partner in crime dah nak jadi bini orang. Teringat lak selalu reporting kat kita klu tgh sedeh*ehem* ... such as "aku sedih la ari ni".... dan sebagainye (kalau tulis sume skang mampus aku kene ketuk). skrng ni ko buat anak je la, aku nak je jadi uncle Fir, bleh belikan baju Osh Kosh B'Gosh. Anyway, lepas nie tulisan akan di conduct dalam Bahasa Inggeris semula sbb ade yg kawan2 kite dia tak paham bahase.. melayu...tp mcm la dia faham ape aku tulis Inggeris pun(kamus kat sblh je)..hahaha lawak2

Now I have even LESS work than before, and if you've been a faithful reader of my blog, you now I haven't been doing much to begin with. So now I am basically just here killing time and brain cells, playing card and chatting with my sayang, (wah rindunye cepatla flight balik sayang) , Thinking about her is kinda sweet for me, I miss her like grazy. Huh! btw sounds like easy money? Not when you consider the ungodly time I have to wake up every freaking day and the fact that whatever I do now revolves around work. However, I am grateful that money is coming in, so yay that.

My tummy hurts, so I'm just gonna get me some cereal drinks, maybe I'll pen in again later. Ciao! see ya.......

my shopping list..........graziesssssss......

2008-12-05T00:51:00.008+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

Iwan sj and I went to Sunway Pyramid.... shopping beli kasut... omigosh duit habes shopping jek, since I had nothing appropriate to wear. Everything either too tight or too short , LoL. Ade satu baju tu, I can't even remember why I bought it, sure tgh sale buy 1 free 2 yg dekat FoS tuh, sgt tak appropriate nak pakai gi mane2 pun, nak pakai kat umah mcm panas lak or cantik la sgt. What the heck. So terpakse ler carik baju2 yg kurang budak-budak and more mature and at least mcm kemeja lengan panjang ke baru la nmpak executive sket...hahaha poyos...

Setelah byk2 kali window shopping.... found a few stuff to wear :) . Hopefully enough for the upcoming three months (pakai baju yg same je lah). However, I found plenty of shoes!! Omigosh kasut kasut kasut merate. My adidas is so old, it started of as blue sekarang tukar warne jadi kelabu (serious tak tipu). Bosan dah pakai adidas detroit pistons, so I set my sights on these pair of new adidas porsche design limited adittion (mmg cun habes). Specifically for porsche design, one of the greatest shoes with lotsa porsche hhehehe. Best-best. Jangan tanye price, suffice to say, bengkrap lah jugak. Sgt cute. Observe:

My new shoes exactly like this, Why do like these shoes? 'Cause they're limited edition that's all..bleh tak! adus!!!! terfikir gak Ughh... why can't I be rich. Bley je beli sume yg limited edition hahahah....wah! currently pening-pening lalat condition. Sempat lagi tuh nak mem blog, have to if not my eyes would start to close and I'll drift off to sleep...esok kan cuti nak menikmati hidup tak mo tido awal...hehehe

ok la...see you on the flip side...

:::home Sweet home::

2008-12-03T22:44:00.010+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Aritukan ade argument dgn abah (due2 stubborn, kite jenis yg tak suke kene arah tak tentu pasal, abah pulak suke mengarah tak tentu pasal) pasal, all of things, jogging. Apparently sebab dah makin tembam compare masa mude2 dulu, abah bising2 nak suruh org jogging. Suruh tau, bukan suggest. Needless to say, my answer was a resounding "tak nak malas nyer". Aiseh, kite tak suke jogging, paling bagus tak yah makan lansung tak pun gune elliptical machine ke, weights ke.... paling tak kenan jogging, tak kisah lah jogging tuh di kire care paling cepat nak lose weight, kalau tgh betul2 bosan or nak warm-up je baru jogging. As it is, dah lah sendiri stok yg tak suke exercise depan family, sebab kene komen je memanjang, so bile kene suruh2 camtuh, siap cakap kene ikut jugak besok, I gave a big "tak nak. Mak, tgk lah abah! Ade ke..", packed up buku cerite yg tgh pegang, cakap nak bace buku dalam bilik, and fled, tinggalkan mak nak settlekan dengan abah. I hate it when he does that to me, layan org macam still budak kecik, mane org tak lari rumah , then skrng ni nak gi jauh lagi.Lepas nie nak lari gie mane pun tak tau dah. Don't get me wrong, I love my dad, tapi die punye infuriating tuh Allah je lah yg tau kite rase macam mane.

Anyway, mak bile dah sampai hospital, try nak pujuk. Cakap lah "kene faham lah, itu ini gitu gini..." (okay, tuh bukan exact words die, tapi exact words die org malas nak tulis). Tgh2 nak pujuk tu, sempat jugak nak advive soh gi padang besoknye, die kate kengkadang tuh, it feels good nak ikut kate orang . 'Why don't you try, once, and find out how you feel". Tuh mak cakap. Kite dalam tak nak-tak nak tuh, kene lah pikir jugak kan, ekceli still tak nak, tapi dah cakap dengan mak, "tgk lah dulu", sebab segan lerr nak lompat2 depan org.

Ayat mak lepas tu lah best,

mak : di taman memang ade ramai orang, tapi masing-masing dgn aksinya tersendiri. Mereka memang tak ambil peduli apa orang lain buat. Mereka dah pandang pun kat kite

mak : mereka tak nampak pun kite

Keskeskes.... nasib baik mak aku kiut, so bende2 yg die cakap takdelah rase weird sgt, tapi still kelakar lah jugak. Siap suruh nyorok belakang pokok...

mak : kalau segan, boleh nyorok belakang pokok

mak : tapi kalau belakang pokok, mana nak nampak cikgu aerobic tu?

Keskeskes..... kelakar lah mak, tapi sebab die macam tu lah sume orang sayang, sweet baik je mak, alih2 dapat anak lelaki macam mala'un, tambah2 lagi suka kerjakan duit dia(sayang mak)...

tapi sian gak kat mak selalu dok kat umah sensorang, kadang dia ajak balik..tapi aku rasa cam malas lak sbb geng2 sume area KL je umah putrajaya...hahahahha, Oh well....

"home sweet home" (?).

~from fir to mummy~

Fir broken~fallen~fall for you~I'm yours.....

2008-11-29T19:49:00.012+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

There is so much I want to say and alot of thoughts I wish I could share, but I can never really fins the words good enough to put in a sentence that would make sense. The first time I talked to you I liked you already. I wanted to be there for you when you were depressed and I didnt ever want to leave your side. At the first place I didnt think you liked me or didnt want anything to do with me but I still talked to you anyway, you were always sad and I didnt like seeing you like that. I tried my best to make you smile. I think after a little bit it worked. I love your smile by the way. It's the most adorable smile I have ever seen in my life. When I see your smile, I immediately light up and have a smile a mile wide. It's crazy right? after a couple weeks of talking to you, you became someone special in my life. I wanted more, but I didnt know how to tell you so I kept it to myself. I dropped hints here and there but I dont think you caught my drift until I started talking about sharing love. I was too afraid to tell you. I love that we had those jokes and making fun of eachother and just talking for hours about random things. The first time you called me, it's was 12.01 am on my birthday, you were the first one who wishes for my birthday and you were at somewhere which is to far away from me . So nice of you and thank you so much dear. I'm not sure why you called at that time but I believe your heart told you to and but it got better after a little while and then it became calls everyday.

One day, I told you I was in love with you, and I couldnt believe it because it was probably the most important decision I could have ever said in my life. You seemed pretty speechless and I was scared I might losing you, but a couple nights later you told me you were in love with me and my heard shot through the ceiling. Weeks rolled by, suddenly we had a little argument after that about "having someone" in your life and I was always getting so jealous about it, but you explained everything to me by dropping me an email and it was probably the best answered I ever heard someone say to me, especially from someone as amazing as you. When you choosed me that was the greatest day of my life by far and I couldnt believe I was finally being someone special in your life too. Nothing was more perfect than us. :) We have so much in common its really adorable and sometimes say things at the same time, we love each other and I am so in love with you infinity and beyond.

I want to tell you are my soul mate. I feel so complete with you and I cant picture you being out of my life. If you had ever left I dont know what would I do. No other person has ever meant so much to me before but you just seem to always make me feel better than I really am. Its like I cant even control my feelings because there is so much love for you coming from me that I can hardly contain it. Its like jumping out of my chest going to you but thats ok with me. I dont ever want anyone else to have my love except you and I want you to keep all my love and never give it back. Im in love with you always and forever. Everytime I think about you I get this smile that is the biggest ever smiled before. You bring out the best in me.

I hope you know and trust that I wont. I couldnt bear the thought of ever hurting you. I would never forgive myself if I did. You are almost the perfect person and no matter how many times you deny it I'll only tell you over and over again. Im so deep in love wit you.I could name a million songs that remind me of you. If I could I would set a playlist of every song that reminds me of you but there wouldnt be enough space and I couldnt remember every song that remind me of you, but I find a new song everyday that makes me think of how amazingly perfect you are and how much I love you.

Allah has blessed me when he sent me someone like you to share my world with. Im glad you are the person I can come to anything and everything. You know everything about me, my past, my present and you already know that my future talks about you. I want to spend forever with you. I want to always be yours and only yours and I'm yours. I want to marry you and live with you and fight with you about what color to pain the wall or what kind of couch and bed to have or what annoying little cat we have to care and what color microwave.

I want to be the one to do all those things with you.I trust you with my life. I'll do anything for you no lie. I'm glad you came in to my life. You made the biggest impact in my life telling me that someone does love me and cares for me. I didnt think anyone would ever fall for me but you came and told me different. You make my life complete. I know I pen alot and you are probably too tired to read it but I just wanted to share my feelings with you. Im missing alot of stuff. I dont even think this is everything I wanted pen. But I dont want to bore you and I dont think there is enough room in the message to fully expain my feelings for you. Just so I love you so much and Im so in love with you and I'll never fall out..”between *laughing for no reason* stupid arguments, long talks and making fun of eachother. I fell in love with you.

~from fir with trust~

::Cry will bring me back::: ' Plunged in thought' part I::

2008-11-23T07:38:00.004+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

What prompted me to penned this morning, because all day there is a burning in my heart and I can't stop it. I don't even know what to do with it. It's just lke weighing on my heart like a heavy weight. There isn't much I can do but pray. I have so many good ideas, good plans, new projects and thoughts, but the spirit of Allah is reminding me over and over again. Simply pray. Cry out to me. Get into the place of desperation and seeking my face again.No longer strive and just pray..LoL

I really don't know what I'm doing anymore. Things aren't bad, yet I can't say that thing are great. Somedays I fail, some days I suceed. Some day I feel like I can leap over the mountain. What things I do know is that Allah loves me and he sees the deepest most inner part of my heart. He Knows how bad I need him.

I need to remind myself " I'm not losing this battle, I'm winning in fact I have won. I may not be the best person, the best son, the best lover, the best writer the best on anything but being the best or having it all toagether is not the point. The point is that I love Allah with all my heart and I truly desire to do his will even though I may stumble and fall, Allah is always there to pick me up...Alhamdulillah

I'm in that place where my heart is burning again. I don't have a clue what I am to do. The vision is so large, yet I feel so small. I just want to see revival. At the same time I want to see myself become a better person. A better friend, a better son, a better brtoher, a better husband and a better person. I want to do it right. Sometimes I get so down on my self for not being perfect and Allah is teaching me to give myself grace, to forgive my self and not to compare with others.

Lastly let us never cease to pray and cease to seek Allah. By doing this we will know him and know who we are....

~from fir with realisation~

::My love life anthem::: ~I'm yours~

2008-11-22T18:16:00.009+08:00

I really love this song. My someone like this song too.I love my someone and she loves me too, this song is just like our love anthem.

"So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours"

Secondhand Serenade-Fall For You....

2008-11-22T06:50:00.003+08:00

Secondhand Serenade Lyrics
Fall For You Lyrics

How do I live....

2008-11-18T21:32:00.019+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

"How can I tell I'm in love with you?", what is love? how does my heart choose a partner? why does love end? These questions can't be easily answered. Admittedly, attraction is a factor, but my love goes deeper than that. My love is simple dear, is about caring, friendship, commitment and trust. I probably was more open to the idea of marriage, but I spent the time struggling on my career instead(heck!) and by now I have to focus on my study *sigh*. However I believe the "exception" rather than the rule.Honestly I'm not looking for "love". I'm looking for a lifepartner, the person who wants to be my partner in life, and where we'll be there for each other holding hands through the best of life and the worst even at death...

Let me share something...

I love you because I have always loved writing but you are much more incisive than that....

I love you because you look so innocent but are a little emphatic.....

I love you because you just simply you are...

I love you because you're everything I wanted to be....

love,

Eh! guys need yr help, I've been offered by British American Tabacco Plc. I really dont know how to react on this. If you have the ideas pls lemme know. What should I choose? tonight I am just finishing review their jobs descriptions and it's really something I always wanted to be and the most "salary" dowh! almost lumayan..ahhhhh!!!

~Fir really miss someone right now~

how could it happened to me...

2008-11-16T10:12:00.015+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

I'm just so tired and alone right now, I really want to flight and going any where....sheshhh!! After a serious, several-years-long relationship failed, I was devastated. I was sure that I would never find a love like that again, but times and feeling change. I gave up looking. I was emotionally exhausted and discouraged and had decided that love wasn't meant to happen. Suddenly a few days ago, I was found the most wonderful girl. We not really connected instantly but we have been talk something unusual, but like I said in previous entries *she might just simply say something and mean the exact opposite or just mean nothing*, and I really trapped on this fantasies...shessh!!!

I noticed this kind of thing happened because I get wrapped up with ' loneliness' and I simply followed my heart with no directions. I hate to feel something like this for example avoiding, hoping and the most horibble thing I don't even have appetite to take meals. Omigosh! ahh!! this is totally insane! DAMN! I broke my rules...shessh!! The reality is I should not have dreamed anyone so perfect like 'this' and opposites don't attract as much as finding similarities does. errr!!!

I dont believe I had (correction,have) a crush on a girl in a few days only. It was pretty much a “crush-at-first-sight” thing,really! I hate this feeling*in love*. Wanted me to say I love you, I miss you, I'm waiting for you, I'm sorry. It just makes me feel anxious.....ah! Crap!!

I need to reach Dublin before middle of feb so that I can go to UK before the winter ends!! Aaaackkk! hopefully dyra is gonna come and visit me ( ko bnyak duit kat makcik) so maybe we can go there together :)...

~fir~

best...bestnye..

2008-11-15T21:27:00.007+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

Nyahahhaha...4th entries for 2 days, meroyan habis. heheheh..this time saje nak tulis benda yg ringgan2 sket, besides dh terlalu banyak thoughts on top of thoughts..hahaha mesti boring kan...this few days bestnye, bestnye, bestnye nape erk..baru la ingat nak jalan2 sikit ari ni, bertuah punya KL terus ujan ambek ko, tak kasi can lansung. keta plak takde...

Cakap pasal keta dh due weekend takde keta nih, anta repair siap dah, tapi takde masa nak amek lak jauh sgt, hmmm..then asal member tanya "free tak mlm ni?" asyik kena jawab "tak" takde transports, tak amek keta lagi. wtf, asal takde keta je takde social life ni? asal asal asal? mcm2 mende tak leh buat...hampeh, time-time camni la rasanya nak soh mak carikan someone kawinkan jek hahahah (sayang mak) ...

Smalam before tido sempat lah borak ngan sorang kanak-kanak nie, lame tak chat ngan die, plus takdelah rapat sangat pun in the first place tapi boleh lah. Lepas due tige menet chat, baru perasan ayat die almost sume start ngan "Boyfren I... ", sebagai contoh: "Boyfren I cakap tempat tuh best", "Boyfren I datang pick dengan kete die", "Boyfren I itu...", "Boyfren I ini...". Erk... sedikit meluat lepas dah lame-lame chat tuh, sebab ye lah kan, ayat sume same jek. Plus macam org tak kenal je boyfren die sape, bukan best sgt pun. Nyahaha... tak ke mampus kalau budak tuh bace entry ni. Biar... rase kan, setengah jam habes camtuh jek, org nak tau cite pasal pendapat die, asyik2 masuk pasal boipren die. Adoi! May all my fren not become like that ever, amin!

Oh, btw, fare cayangku, where are you, are you okay? Tinggal mesej kat email tak berjawab, amek ko, aku letak kat blogger.rasakan! mati akal dah, lain tanya lain jawab plak tuh...and btw I'm not in love at all ok..eh!(soalan ditutup!)... fare nape aku tak leh locate ko...pakai firewall ape..siut betul!

Okay, I have a headache right now!

Wassalam....

Dub-ya "w" simply describe me.....

2008-11-15T17:48:00.007+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

Whats wrong with me? Well, I have been trying to figure that out for a while…
There are a number of things that are wrong with me. Things that I can name, anyways.
Like…

Why is it that I know what I have to do, and yet I cant get myself to do them?

Why is it that I feel that no one can relate to me? As if I’m barely part of the same species?

Why is it that I keep on making stupid decisions, empty promises, and unwise choises?

Why do I always feel like I am so stupid… when I know for a fact that I am not?

Why do I feel as if Im sometimes watching myself live from someone else’s eyes? Or that I feel like some statue?

Why does time seem to be going so fast, and yet, so excruciatingly slow at the same time?

Why cant my fire stay aflame for long periods of time? Why does it always burn out so quickly?

Why do I always feel so tired? So restless? I’m not depressed… but Im not all happy, either.

Why do I sometimes feel so insignificant to the world?

Why am I always smiling, even when I dont feel like it?

Why do I laugh at funerals?

Why do I hate attention, and yet, desire it?

Why do I feel as if Im living life in a bubble?

Why dont I think I can ever fall in love?

Why cant I trust people? Why do I not want to trust people?

Why can I never learn from my mistakes? And if I do, why dont I ever fix them? Or keep myself from doing the same thing again?

Just… why?

~dubya's in fir~

Fir life is in women's hand...

2008-11-15T08:21:00.012+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

I have been getting these butterflies lately due to someone I might think is attracted towards me?*shy* I really find it extremely hard to figure out whether it is really something or do I have the wrong idea? the best ways to figure out whether she is attracted towards or not is by the way of her body language. Mostly girls might lie but their body language would never lie. It always tells the true story...

If she is really attracted towards me she would start at in a way as she would happy talk with me and she would be completely into me and would even ignore the presence of people around her. She shows up all of a sudden. She would start showing up with unusual words.

The most she will asks about me, this is probably the most certain way to come down to a conclusion that she is really attracted towards me and this is the major reason why she is asking about me. Isn't? (ah perasan gile siut)

hahahaha, I'm getting so serious about this, I dont know yet, I really don't want to know what's in her mind? What is she thinking about? Ah! she might just simply say something and mean the exact opposite or just mean nothing

My mom always said ,"A new broom always sweeps cleanest." This means that everyone can seem perfect at first. Take time to get to know her before you propose marriage or commit to anything. When it comes to relationships, she may prove to be everything you suppose.

aihhh!! I guess better to slow down and get to know this sweet girl. Look with all of my eyes wide open. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.

wei guys this is just a dry story from me ok?(amik mood nak tulis buku baru) don't even think about it and make any assumption on it. By the way I will remember the "3 rezeki" thoughts (you know who you are) thanks dearie it does help...

~fir~

End of The thoughts...

2008-11-14T21:39:00.004+08:00

frendzz,

I actually hide so much from the world and sometimes there are so many things I want to say in a blog but can’t because I have readers who know me and will say things to me.I have had obsessive thoughts sometimes, but they come and go but take a different forms. When everytime I start to write a wall in my head comes up like slow me down and I can’t write. I feel terrible most of the time. I am sure you have all noticed my absence here lately.I just don’t typically feel up to “putzing” on my blog.

I am so lonely. I don’t know why. I have lots of casual acquaintances but I just don’t feel like I have any friends here or anymore. I sit and obsess, trying to figure out what kind of personality flaws I must have that keep driving people away from me. I just don’t see it.

All I do is study and I don’t even like what I am doing. Truth is, I don’t really want to do anything at all or I guess anything that resembles work.

I just feel like am at a low point and I need to turn it back around because I hate feeling like this.No one understands me!No one wants me!

I just know I am going to end up becoming the antithesis of what I want to be. I am going to get the antithesis of what I desire in life.I don't know what the deal is, I try and I fail. That's the way it goes. I feel like no matter what I do I am letting someone down. All I want to do is be happy with life. I have spent years trying to fix this, I came to the conclusion that I am a pessimist (and im ok with that), but ive been told by others that it isnt ok, and I need to change *just another way of letting someone down* oh well, I know what the end is.

You don’t have to respond to this.I just needed to get this out of my system and down in words because I can’t let it keep floating around in my head anymore.

~fir is fail~

Story of my friendz and I......

2008-10-25T01:17:00.014+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

I struggled to get out of bed every morning, I was unmotivated in life, and I was generally unhappy with my life. I believe most people have trouble figuring out what they don't like about their life, me either (work sucks, I can't form relationship, and I have no direction in my life) but for me figuring out where to go next is the real key and the also living a balanced life is the real key. It's actually so much more to life than work. Mostly people have to sacrifices their life because of work. Making these sacrifices is kind, but when you spend years focusing your energies to benefit others you'll notice that if your efforts go unrewarded, then you are the one losing out.

Sometimes I feel like my life is slipping away as im getting older and feel I am not achiving things.crap!. What I'm trying to do now make a list of things that I want to accomplish and try my best to do so. I really want to get out and travel the world, meet new people from all walks of live and have a convo, ask question etc, but it becomes harder and harder to find things well worth living. The only thing that give me a sense of purpose is my writing. I find thrilling and it keeps the spark of life inside me alive even bad times. Like I said previously my writing decent the best. For instance, I was writing about love story, the story of my life, stories about people and things surround me or anything and everything. Believe me not, writing can be very addicting...ok enough STOP it Fir!

Lately, some of my friends having a problem with their relationships right now. Guys! Look at your conflicts and recognize that most of you are intelligent adults. Try to find the root cause of a conflict, then work forward from there. Resolve the root cause, and don't worry about the rest....Now, just so I don't leave you totally high and dry, here are my best suggestions:

Friend 1(YouKnowWhoYou're) :

Meaningless arguments....

Meaningless, shall we bothering them. You should be learning to incorporate each other into your decisions. You won't always get your way, and neither will he. Compromise is a very important part of relationships. It also isn't a one for one deal. If you are fighting daily, then you have not worked out a positive basis for a relationship. So? Just take a break, I don't mean break up, or anything, I mean, just take a day and do something by yourself, relax, Just talk to him like once a day, (if you don't live together). Sometimes you just need to step back for a minute. Or do you think something else is going on? when you start arguing everyday, it becomes a routine and your not happy anymore when you are around this person, it's hard to even smile because of the negativity. I say either take a break and step back, or talk it out. Or let it go.

Friend 2 and 3(YouKnowWhoYou're) :

Lack of trust...

If you know he loves you (and you love him), why are you not married? I mean this with no disrespect. I just hope you consider that both you and your boyfriend's lack of trust stems directly, and I mean directly, from the lack of marital commitment. Ok?.You know what dearie, what is the base of a relation? It is the trust, and love,do one thing sit quietly for a while and think about 2 things; Firstly, your Bf and you met the way you both used to behave with each other then. Secondly the way you both behave with each other right now, if you see a lot of difference and then ask yourself why are you in this relationship? are you happy? is he happy?? why both don't trust each other? and then calmly sit with your bf and ask him why he do not trust you, when you love him so much?? ask him that,both of you in a relationship for many many years and when a relationship becomes strong you do not need words to trust your partner analyse youurself, him and your relation. And you are the one who is having the answers...ok?

Friend 4(YouKnowWhoYou're) :

long distance relationships....

I know currently you facing truly difficult time with your boyfriend of 8 years. You might feel little sad, relieved or you just denial and the pain will come later, but trust me you'll feel unburden when it's over. Eventually thing you missed did catch up with you, but don't too much overwhelmed with sadness. It's sort of a bittersweet feeling. When those moments happen, let them, don't shake them off. It's healthier to let them run their course.

I remember a relationship like this, Sound like we have made a good decision, but grief is a strange thing expect waves of different and conflicting emotions for some time, it's good to do some reading on the stages of grief. The stages are:

Denial - The initial stage: "It can't be happening."

Anger: "How dare you do this to me? (either referring to deceased or oneself)

Bargaining: "just let me live to see I'm graduate"

Depression: "Ya Allah, please don't take him/her away"

Acceptance: "I know my self will be in a better place"

Guys wheeeuuw! It's finished now. I am moving on. Then get yourself involved in something different, so make a choice and don't turning back...

~fir~

Fir Life is what happens..while I'm making other plans..."JL"

2008-10-19T10:56:00.007+08:00

assalam'ualaikum....

I am please to give myself a chance to feel my real self before I allow my mind to start making plans. It' very, very easy to do. I am just in the habit of doing things backwards. It's learned process from imitating practically everyone else. I felt my world correctly as children and then grew into bad habit of thinking before feeling.

My thoughts are generated on top of thoughts, that appear out of nowhere. I have reaction thoughts to my environment. These reactions lead to thoughts, that lead to more thinking to deal with the original thoughts, and away from me. Emotion result from the process of reacting, contemplating and finally concluding, or maybe there is no conclusion, which can result in emotions of fear or stress.

The world tells me, this is the way. The world doesn’t really know what it’s talking about. Does it? Think about the complicated world in general. Is this really the best I can do? Notice the horribly high cost of living that has taken place in the last 30 years. Everyone seems to be running in place trying to keep up with this high cost of living. Whatever happened to the leisure lifestyle that modern technology was suppose to provide? Now, after all the heroic efforts to keep up with the ever increasing cost of living, the financial market is having a meltdown and the price of gas (unstable) and food is soaring. The world’s plan is broke. so?

In reality, theory fails to deliver the goods. The saying, “live by the sword, die by the sword,” is appropriate here. Sadly, I have found that when I live by the theory, I also die by the thought theory. While I'm plotting my road to happiness, my thoughts can continually steer me the wrong way on a one way street.

I’m excited to pen this, because I live it, and I know how nice it feels. Finally, something makes total sense and I don’t have to believe it, because I can feel it, plain as day. Everything that I have in my life can be appreciated on such a deeper level when I step out of my thinking and get back to me, right now.

For me thinking comes before feeling, what I feel before I think, is so natural and beautiful, that I’ll want to continue this process always. These are feelings that make me thinking mind could never deliver. All the planning in the world wont get me there.

“Life… is… what happens while I'm making other plans.”

So.

Stop making other plans. would I? shesshhh....'fir'

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 4.....

2008-10-16T00:16:00.006+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.......

Omigosh, dah lame, lame, LAME giller tak update blogger...(cuma smlm tu post ayat-ayat cinta) Me busy, busy, busy. At this moment, tgh menghabiskan sisa-sisa di office..tadi masa kerja bleh plak printer buat hal...Turns out one of the printers tuh tgh "toner low" kot... ( uh-huh.... bukan pompuan aje ade toner, printer pun ade), so the remaining one print(LC punyer) selaju nenek tue berjalan (no offense tuh nenek-nenek yang under 80 years of age.... that would include my mom, hahaha.... sayang mak). Anyways, kepale tgh pening sebab due hari tak tido. Bukan tido lambat tau, TAK TIDO. Adoi lahh...... ade orang tuh smalam buat lawak bodo ngan org, dah kene bebel.... tuh lah, buat lawak lagi kat org tak cukup tido, haaa... hambek ko....

Smlm chatted gan zaziot and ninord, biasa la ngumpat2 opis...si zaziot best!(sape si ninord nih!!!!) lebih kurang 12 mlm, tgh tensen pon boleh buat lawak siot lagik...Ahhh!!! I MISS WRITING!!!! "heavy" writing kat blogger lah..tak de idea nak produce good belleslettres lagi ape yang miss? I MISS LOOKING NICE!!! Skang pakai baju main ambek mane yang sampai je.... I MISS SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!! Waaa.... pasni sape lagi nak meng kaye shopping ctr? MOST OF ALL..... I MISS TIDO!!!!!!!! zzzzzz.......zzzzz......... too much abc's and not enough zzzzzz's .....makes fir one crap man.

I don't think being very busy and tension all the time agrees with me. rase camtuh sebab bile tgh tension, I get cranky, moody, all those stuff yang usually pompuan only get like once a month tapi lelaki yg tak kena pun kenkadand leh ada gak moody camtuh...Heck!.... Paling tak best.... I'll be really, really mean to people. Mule lah... start bossy sket... lupe nak cakap thank you kat org... muke masam macam yoghurt basi jek... ish.... takmoh dah...

I am chatting gan si dyra right now, as I'm writing now, dhyra nih always missing mana ntah(toilet agaknya) that's what u get for ilang selalu sgt eh!....mati akal...

dang forgot one thing...zeta one of the people yg gonna incang2 me..because pasang soundtrack ayat-ayat cinta....12 hours nonstop , nattalie plak nak muntah dah....hahahhaa but sorry guys..I really dont care, as I said earlier my life in it....lagu ayat-ayat cinta by rossa nih..malangnye too short lirik dia and fading dia kurang cantek lak last2 part tuh..but still the best song ever in my life, with a smokin' v-clip, so enjoy. Eh, by the way, can someone tell me what the heck does "ayat-ayat cinta" means? I know what ayat-ayat is, so kirenye ayat-ayat cinta nie mcm nak ayat orang ke?tapi lagu ni takde camtuh pun! Ermm.. eww... (*muke blank*)

~Hahaha.... hmm... things we do for love... or lack of it... ~

ayat-ayat cinta....

2008-10-14T23:53:00.003+08:00

It's by Rossa, one of my favorites song and movie, sebab suara rossa ade quality berhantu sket Story dia the best in the world, hahaha.... Lyrics and story has a little bit story of my life in it, 'cause one does feel like one made a mistake that one can't redeem in the eyes of other...."bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia"....

Lirik Lagu Rossa - Ayat Ayat Cinta

Desir pasir di padang tandus

Segar sang pemikiran hati

Terkisah ku di antara

Cinta yang rumit

Bila keyakinanku datang
Kasih bukan sekedar cinta
Pengorbanan cinta yang agung Kupertaruhkan
Maafkan bila ku tak sempurna

Cinta ini tak mungkin ku cegah
Ayat-ayat cinta bercerita
Cintaku padamu
Bila bahagia mulai menyentuh

www.rizkyonline.com
Seakan ku bisa hidup lebih lama
Namun harus kutinggalkan cinta
Ketika ku bersujud

Video Klip Rossa - Ayat Ayat Cinta

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From Fir with love.....

2008-10-10T23:47:00.008+08:00

To my dearest...

I hope that you have a very happy and fulfilling 26th birthday, thank you for sharing your heart and soul with me for the past 3 years. I appreciate your desire and sacrifice. Unfortunately for me (and you), we left a great memory and moment. I wish I could forget, but I can't. I'm stuck and it does happened. I freeze-frame a moment in my life and that's it. That's what it is to me. I can't shake it. It's usually just as vivid as it was the first time and whatever it is that you are to me, I won't forget it. No matter what changes. But for me a lot hasn't change yet, it's just different for me.

It's a curse and a blessing sometimes and other times it's just plain depressing. I'm definitely not on the same "track" as your expected. I'm not set on getting married, having kids, or fulfilling that "family life" thing. I'm taking it day by day. I'm trying to find what makes me happy and so be it.

Life is all about learning, and I'm doing that and I hope you are too. Trust me, starting a new year of our life is like reading new novel. We look at the cover and finger the first pages, anticipating what it will be like, as our progress, there are times when we're itching to flip ahead a few chapters to read what's going to happens, but we know we can't do that and maybe that's for the best. As the pages march forward to the denouement, we feel the joys and sorrows of each character as they enter and leave each scene. And then we gets to the very last page... and find there's a sequel! (and a new birthday).

May this year of your life be filled with the most precious gift of happiness. And even when there is sadness, may you always know that so many of people is actually care about you, and they always will...

happy birthday masrin....

your sincerely,

Firdaus

New Cbox....

2008-10-09T08:36:00.002+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

Ahaks! Finally a Cbox(chat room) that I like, hehehe. Like this one, easy, multi-lingual, nak load pun tak susah. Keskes.... me happy.

Thank you again Far for fixing my Cbox for me, you're the best :)!

~stress~

Arghh!!!! depressed.......

2008-10-07T19:38:00.005+08:00

assalamu'alaikum....

Is it possible to for someone to be so bloody difficult that you make everybody's life miserable? I think one can. Full stop. People have their breaking points, and I think some of us are reaching ours. While patience can be a virtue, patience wearing thin can be a time bomb waiting to explode, and I have to say, I personally haven't exploded in a reaaaallllyy long time, and I have no idea if everybody else had managed to vent their anger in some other way.....

Stuff that I hate: Being bullied. Being taken for granted. Unappreciated.. Have somebody betray me. Finding rotten food in my fridge. Bad hair days. Lousy vacations. Forgetting a friend's birthday(certainly I did but hated). Being miserable.. Having someone angry at me. Being angry at someone. Ppl who toy around with my feelings. Ppl who are too self-centered to think about other ppl's feelings. Feeling sometimes I can be too self-centered. Trying to be honest with someone and having it backfire on me. Not being honest and having it backfire on me. Letting a friend be a jackass simply because. Having that jackass ruin my day (or my life). Dating a jackass. Drunk strangers who try to grope other people for "support" (drunk friends, however, are kinda funny to look at, hehe.. not that I've seen that many). Drunk drivers. Expensive stores.

Finding an incredibly cute shoes in an expensive store. Not having a car. Not having license to drive a car. Having to drive a car anyway, even though without license. Burnt pizza. Fire alarm going off because of burnt pizza. Fire alarm screaming in my ears for a full freakin' 15 minutes before miraculously turning off by itself. Really cold days. Really cold showers. Hot coffee gone cold. Ordering coffee and getting hot chocolate instead (wha..?). Having bad taste in women. Not knowing why have bad taste in women when taste in clothes now almost impeccable. Thinking about getting married. Thinking about not getting married. Being depressed because of a jackass. Being depressed because I was jackass……what else……huh!!!!!!!!

~from fir with salt~

Sadness at Raya Eid....

2008-10-02T19:32:00.012+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

Happy raya Eid to everyone, I considered around this time of the hari raya we are in rainy season. But I am sho excited this year. As I said previously I used to enjoy raya eid when I was a kit, but these days I just can't be bothered with it and Raya Eid just brought another sadness things into my life. Every year almost the same it creeps into my mind, emotions, my spirit. I have felt bad, isolated, numb and invisible at raya time. I can't lift this cloud. Some years are worse then others. I now have family and friends and it make it very hard to fake the fun. Sometimes I feel so sad I have to go the restroom so no one see my uncontrollable crying fits, even most people thoughts I am much more tough than I am.

I have been on very bad speaking terms which makes my sadness intensify into thoughts of becoming invisible, escaping from this world.It is getting harder for me to fight the urges to dissolve this life. It is a very complex plan that need to be thought out of mind before sitting it in to motion. The how and where and when is very important. At my age I feel this things are not going to change much especially if the people around me thing that everything is my fault and I just need to change. There no use trying to get help because it’s too much to explain and it’s so complicating and I am just too tired of trying any more. But I am still here contemplating.

However, I believe I am not the one in the entire world, say universe that has not known sadness, not one heart that has not been touched by sorrow. We have all sat and looked out that tiny window and asked ‘why’? Why me? Why am I here? Why do I live? What is my reason for living? Could I have done that different? Should I have said something? I need to go on and live my life...*hug my self*

Anyway just read an email from far. I'm okay, dearie, thanks for asking. Far was worried about my mental well-being 'cause I've been acting like a basket case lately. Don't worry laling, I'm frazzled but still (barely) sane. Some friends are keeping me sorta sane (actually they sometimes contribute to the insanity and are detrimental to my mental health, LOL... but it's a welcomed distraction... sort of.... nyahahah)

Eh guys I am trying to write bedtime story (the girl and the cockroach) but now I realized am just not yet good on that. But I'll try to make it happen...just another crap from me..

~from fir with fly~

::the girl and the cockroach::: by fir

2008-10-01T01:13:00.008+08:00

Once upon a time in the small Ferningrad village theres one attracts sweets girl live in the village. One day the cockroach follow the girl going to the garden. Unintentionly she unfold secrets of her job. The cockroach look the girl pick fresh leaf from the garden to adorn one side another and it's certainly pretty and so purified. The cockroach tailed after the girl and suddenly the girl sat down to rest and eat something from her basket and wondering about her fate. The girl thought if she had been satisfied with simple things this would not have happened, but vice versa she knows that her life's journey will be more colourful outside there. She lifted her head up, felt the snow shooting her face and try her magical breath and hold a breath for while. The cockroach saw there was something wrong the way she held the breath. The cockroach....

to be continue....

It's only Fir...until someone get hurts...

2008-09-29T23:48:00.007+08:00

dear,

I would like to wish Selamat Hari Raya with thousands apologize, this raya it's cruel to watch you being hurt while am just sho busy with my stuffs and preparing for my upcoming journey. Am still I am. Something I still can't decide. And I want to say that it's not always easy - but it's simple that way and I want to stay and play it out, but I still have my doubts and beautiful things can never stay the same way. Actually you never deserved anything like this.

I want you to know the journey that I choose, need me learn how to be alone and independent, my new place(if) might be my sanctuary, where by I can't simple ask for help from anyone, I shouldn't not depend on anyone unless it is a life and death situtation. I hafta to deal with my sadness alone. In fact, I will cry if I have to and not feel less if I do. Am still worry less something that is not sure to happen. I will accept that I am indeed sad but I will not put up a facade of sadness....

I have/had/will hurt you so much in the timelines, again orang memohon kemaafan because I destroyed your dream. I am saying this way ahead of time too. I hope you understand that I need to this, because it's been quite long time and am still not in any values.

Anyway, I would like to say thank you for loving me the best possible way and I’m sorry that you’re hurting too much right now. But that’s life it’s complicated but beautiful. Everyone has to move on. Right now I’m miserable but I’m taking everything one step at a time…I guess I need to face the reality that I am fir.

::Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir dan Batin:::

~from fir with endeavor~

Look to a Fer for the true magic of Hari Raya...

2008-09-28T23:12:00.017+08:00

Assalam'ualaikum....

Looking back over the hari raya of my past, I realize that my Hari Raya have not only evolved, but have taken on various lives of their own.

For me, Raya was it, the ultimate in a my kid's life, the day we all waited once a year for that day to arrive. My parents didn't have a lot back then, but every Raya there were some new baju melayu or baju kurung that for sure, along with family gatherings, gift giving,duit raya, and off course with the Malay tradition of eating all day long, were all a part of our Raya ritual.

When my adult years arrived, Raya seemed to have lost bits and pieces of its original luster. The duit Raya will be outward instead of inwards, no more the balik kampung traditions, the whole raya's thing, for whatever reason, seemed to have taken a nosedive. As of now when became a huge family I guess Raya took on new life, new hope, a home of our own to lovingly decorate and more importantly, precious relative or new family members to lavish raya on and infuse its spirit into. Sharing Raya with my entire family members not only allowed me the joy of giving them some things they truly wanted, it also allowed me to feel the magic I once felt what seemed a million years ago. Photos of happy, excited children in soft and "sesi bermaafan" are always close at hand to elicit those fond memories. However Raya tradition requires to make it all come together just the way you want it but not all tradition continued... :(

I believe there really is "no place like home for the Raya," just like the tradition says. The warmth of family and friends offers us a sense of belonging somewhere special. But for magic, look to a kids to provide it. And definetely for the light of the spirit of Raya can truly be seen in the innocence of a kid's belief, one that has not yet been tarnished by life's ups and downs. And that light, when recognized by an adult longing to see it, is dazzling, scintillating and absolutely spectacular.

Dear All,

During these last days of Ramadan, saya nak ucapkan Selamat Menyambut Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir Batin to semua orang, tak kisah lah kenal or tak kenal, kalau saya ade ter cakap, terbuat salah silap, maaf kan ye. To err is human, to forgive divine. Haa.. especially mende yang terambik, termakan, terminum, halalkan lah. Last days of ramadan nie banyak berkat die, tak advantage of it :) (advice for me, too, tak sangke Ramadan dah nak habis). May all of us have a blessed life, filled with hope, joy and laughter.

~from fer with tugging~

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 3.....

2008-09-25T15:11:00.009+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum........

I am just so, sick and tired right now, me missing my itty-bitty blog sho mush...wah!!! lama tak updet. Honestly nothing really good to pen. Today I woke up damn 0700..and the sun is already up too. Hullo mr sun maybe to day I'll see you more than just a couple of hours. All I wish to crawl myself back to bed and sleep till tomorrow comes. But then again, I have to go to office to. Yuck! reminds of that piece of song.... "Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, it's only a day away"... except in my case, replace the word love with hate , and the singer has an expression about as happy as a dead chicken. Anyway, my stomach feels like it's been punched repeatedly, and it was hard to eat anything yesterday. Or maybe that's more due to the fact I was sick rather than heart-sick. me need to pray a lot and need some extra guidance right now....:s

aihh..I'm 26, and it's kinda a downer realizing that the earliest I can think about settling down would be in my late 20s, going on to 30s. There's just so much I have to do, so much that I need to accomplish before I can concentrate on having my own family, my own little girl and little boy. Put that with my own girl-related paranoia, it is not a great subject for me. The question "How's your love life?" always gives me the Fake-Smile Cardiac , where I would feel bile coming up my throat and I would paste a fake smile on my face and say some stupid random thing. Just because I'm not ready, doesn't mean that I don't privately wish that I'm settled in that department, safely engaged or married. Couples' promises mean nothing to me, I've seen a couple's relationship, which lasted a decade, just dissolve in front of my eyes in a period of a few weeks. I've seen (and had) promises broken and tears flow and dreams shattered. Dating, at the least, brings companionship for a few hours, and at the end of the day it's still just you. Even that is better than not having time to date instead. Oh well....

Yeah, those are some reaaaaaallllly depressing thought, I seriously need a new hobby, or at least have time to go to the gym and forget about stuff. That might be good. I'll do that....crap!..Am just thinking to write another books " the girl and the cockcroach" ermmm another crap for me!!hahahahahahahaha....

Mar your wife just like an excellent politician's wife because she obsessed with the guests. It's always "makan lah lagi" or nak air lagi"? or sume benda cukup tak"?. keskeskes politician's wife please....jgn mare!!!

Me wishing that I can just click my heels and be transported to where ever I want too.....daaa!

~from fer with flu~

FerAche....

2008-09-17T23:54:00.020+08:00

Assalam'ualaikum..

Today was pretty much wasted at work for me. I had a headache in the morning, which fortunatey got better in the afternoon. I haven't been sleeping well lately, or eating well either, it's a little hard to be healthy under these circumstances. I hate being sick so many times that I just not fit enough for work.*sigh*

Life isn't supposed to be fair, yes, but it's not suppose to suck like this either. On a not so bright note again... I think I'm coming down with the flu. Hopefully it'll go away by the time for raya eve... My headache is going on overtime right now, so maybe I should stop tapping on my keyboard and go to sleep. But before I do, here's the lyrics to a song that I totally adore, it's so cool. It's by plain white(hey there delilah), one of my favorites sebab suare die ade relax sket, hahaha.... Lyrics has a weeeeeee bit story of my life in it, 'cause what can I say , that is truly, just messed up....

Hey there Delilah

What's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away

But girl, tonight you look so pretty

Yes you do

Times Square can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

Hey there Delilah

Don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely

Give this song another listen

Close your eyes

Listen to my voice, it's my disguise

I'm by your side

Oh it's what you do to me 4x

What you do to me

Hey there DelilahI know times are getting hard

But just believe me, girl

Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar

We'll have it good

We'll have the life we knew we would

My word is good

Hey there Delilah

I've got so much left to say

If every simple song I wrote to you

Would take your breath awayI'd write it all

Even more in love with me you'd fall

We'd have it all

Oh it's what you do to me 4x

A thousand miles seems pretty far

But they've got planes and trains and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Our friends would all make fun of us

and we'll just laugh along because we know

That none of them have felt this way

Delilah I can promise you

That by the time we get through

The world will never ever be the same

And you're to blame

Hey there Delilah

You be good and don't you miss me

Two more years and you'll be done with school

And I'll be making history like I do

You'll know it's all because of you

We can do whatever we want t

oHey there Delilah here's to you

This one's for you

Oh it's what you do to me 4x
What you do to me

~from fer with ache~

FerkeinStein...

2008-09-17T23:54:00.003+08:00

Assalam'ulaikum....

Continuous from *I keep forgetting stuff even though I was thinking about it 5 seconds ago. *

I realized that I seem to be spacing out more frequently than usual, and that scares me, I mean...

scenario 1: I was in the living room, decorating my hari raya card when I wanted to get stamps from my desk for the envelope. I paused my DVD player, got up, got into my bedroom, and for the life of me couldn't remember what I wanted to get. I had to stand in my bedroom for about 10 seconds before I realize what I wanted.

scenario 2: I was writing my book that I needed draft at least 2 0r 3 pages. So I rummaged through my backpack for a pen, took out my notepad... then couldn't remember what I wanted to write. This soooo happened! I had to glance around my room to see if I can remember anything. Good thing I saw the book materials, it jogged my memory enough for me to remember what I wanted to write.

scenario 3: This night, I boiled some water because I needed to make this horrible tasting tea that I need to take with some supplementary (ironically enough, it's for physical and MENTAL well-being). I haven't taken tea for quite some time now, and the medication, and it's been weeks since I used my kettle. I plugged the kettle in, went into my bedroom to straighten my bed and put some clothes on, and promptly forgot about the kettle. While that seemed normal, when I heard that whistling sound (y'know, the one that indicates the water is done?), I couldn't figure out what made the sound and when I did find the source, I couldn't remember why I boiled the water in the first place. I had to walk around the room straightening out stuff before it finally dawned on me about the tea...

I mean, I've heard of absent-mindedness, but this is freakin' ridiculous. Seriously, this is scaring the shit out of me, I mean, I've always been a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty absent minded, but I've never had it this bad. And if you're thinking "he's remembering all the stuff that happened to him quite well, is he faking it?", rest assured that I started writing this shit at 10.30pm, and now it's 12.09am. I had to pause and alternate this and work just so I have enough time to remember everything. Besides, I'm a man, I have better stuff to fake.

Honestly, if anybody at all knows why the heck I'm experiencing this, lemme know, I'd love the input. Okay, I need to take a walk to clear my head and calm myself, I'll pen in again....

Wassalam...

~from fer with empty~

updet!!! updet!!! bhgn 2.....

2008-09-16T22:32:00.005+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

I'm currently pretty regular updating my blog even though nothing to report...eh tadi saje2 lah check my friends friendster saje nak tgk pics baby terbaru dia...tetiba nmpak kat korner yg tulis Top Network Searches tuh. Tgk la ape dorang cari....:

1. nokia N series
2. wan nor azlin
3. selak kain
5. terlondeh baju
6. agak besar
7. isterimu isteriku jua
8. akan ku cuba
10. lemas ku dalam dakapan
11. zila bakarin
12. zaid Ibrahim

Bongok...time-time camni la rasa malu gan rakyat sendiri. Cari la mende lain yg ilmiah sket, kalau nak tak senonoh pun, jgn la buat kat friendster tuh(aku pun bukan baik sgt tp educated ar sket)...AdoooooIIII!!!!!

ok la shoo sleepy...me need to rest and bangun awal or Teff 's gonna be pissed that I'm late. Ciao!...

~from fer with wise~

2008-09-15T21:24:00.010+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Seriously nothing to write...I just want to pen some emotional touched of mine and I was a bit overwhelming on it..I hate when I treated my blog as my personal diary.....sheeshh!!!! thing was..I didn't realized a lot of people try nak contact me actually,especially kengkawan yg study dolu tak kira la kat manapun even tpt belajar yg I was drop out pun, mostly all of you da tahu I preferred to be alone betul tak? I do appreciates for those trying to do so...but except one. One person who surprised me beyond reason sebab tak dengar kabar berite langsung. Takan lah nak tunggu sampai I sendiri dah tak de ker baru u nak contact :( . I do not ask for your pity, or even your compassion, tapi entahlah, when u didn't contact me at all, I was a little hurt. Sebab maybe if the situation is reversed, and you were in my place, I would've tried to contact you and made sure you were okay. Then again, that's just me (and the rest of our friends).

There, I got that out of my system. Pikir-pikir balik, biarlah. Besides, I'm not alone, I always have Allah guiding me through life(walaupun kadang2 lalai), giving me the greatest love of all. I have my loving family, my selfless, my gurlfriend and compassionate friends, and I have the whole of world reading what I wrote about..., I have friends and colleagues who understand, and most of all, What more can a person ask for? *sigh*...

My biggest fear: to chase all the material stuff in my life (a study abroad-as soon as I decide which I can actually be happy doing-, working in the europe, coming back home and securing my place at home so that I can take care of my mom and dad) and one day, wake up, realize I'm 45, and think "Shit, I forgot to get married and have a teeny-weeny-itty-bitty baby. omigosh!!!!

I'm a little sleepy right now after berbuka and stuff....and so, do excuse the grammar mistakes and enjoy reading :) !

Wassalam...

~from fer with whelm~

Surveys with...nothing LoL

2008-09-15T12:56:00.005+08:00

I'm currently trying to schedule an appointment with KWSP people, but the damn system put me on hold... for the last 3 minutes. That's long, man... I can crap my pants right now, and the crap would turn to dust... and I'd still be holding the phone, waiting for that special moment in time when someone at the other end would pick up and say "Good morning, KWSP, how may I help you?" ... You can start helping by buying me new pants, that's how, and maybe pencil me in to see a goverment officer while you're at it. By the way, while I'm typing this... I'm still holding the phone...

I'm too grumpy and sleepy to write anything really good right now, but I was at someone blog, and I just thought I'd put this in for fun:

Bold everything that is true!!...

01. My hair is still its natural color
02. I have yet to lose my virginity
03. I get annoyed when I don't get to finish telling a story.
04. I like to wear adidas stuff
05. Sometimes I wish I could do something really, really amazingly well.
06. I drink a lot of water.
07. I've never taken a hit of a drugs.
08. I like writer.
09. I'm such a health freak.
10. I love taking pictures.
11. I have really tiny wrists.
12. I can identify some close friends by smell.
13. I'm far too nice.
14. I hate when people confuse "your" and "you're"
15. I think dorkiness is attractive
16. I've never had a fake screen name
17. I wish I had a pug.
18. I miss middle school.
19. I have pretty good eating habits.
20. I have a hard time making up my mind sometimes.
21. I wish my hair naturally curled. 2
22. I can't live without chapstick.
23. I wish I could sing
24. I like classical music. It's not bad.
25. Striped pants are hot.
26. I think fahr is a really cool name.
27. I usually don't get sarcasm. (yes I do... in fact I contributed to some)
28. I wish I could look in a mirror and constantly be satisfied with myself.
29. I shift between being sleepy and awake when I'm really tired.
30. I hardly ever vaccum. Meaning I personally don't vaccum, other people do..
31. I hate racism and nazi's. ( no...hitler is awesome)
32. I want someone to hold me.
33. I like watermelon flavored things.
34. I'm a snob about grammar. (heck! I failed english)
35. I am a terrible liar (nope, actually really good it at, it's just that I don't do it often.. anymore )
36. Rexona deoderant smells WONDERFUL
37. I wish I knew how to speak in Italian.
38. I tried to kiss a member of the opposite sex when I was in kindergarten.
39. I am learning to be happy wherever I am.
40. I have no idea what my school musical is about.41. I appreciate honesty. honesty is the best policy (probably why I stopped lying in the first place).
42. I need a manicure.
43. I love Dr. Pepper.
44. I twirl my hair.
45. I like kissing (*sigh*)
46. i don't own a cellphone
47. I want to learn to play the harp.
48. I'm not old enough to vote.
49. I live in the past far too much.
50. I need to remember to be a teenager sometimes ( some of these don't apply, hello I'm 25)
51. I want to see most of the world. 52. Sometimes I wonder what's going on in other parts of the world.
53. I hate being lied to.(Having things hidden from you ain't no picnic either)
54. I believe in a thing called love.
55. I go shopping usually once a week.
56. Today is Wednesday.
57. I've read more than a 100 books.(heck, I own not more than 25)
58. I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
59. I like feet.
60. I like getting compliments.
61. I want the world to see me.
62. I think it's funny when girls wear so much makeup that their faces become incandescent.
63. I hate seeing kids that think they're different because they like Slipknot and shop at Hot Topic.
64. I have a fear of wearing too much perfume.
65. I wear pants more than I wear shorts (Nope... I love shorts)
66. I am tactful most of the time.
67. I'm afraid of spiders
68. I get too attached to some people.
69. I'm usually on time.
70. I forgive but I don't forget. (the forgiving part is hard enough)
71. I think way too much for my own good
72. My current relationship is teaching me a lot.
73. I like salads from McDonalds.
74. I read for at least two hours every night before bed.
75. I talk to a lot of people I don't like because I hate being rude.
76. I talk to myself in the shower.
77. pretty girl turn me on.
78. I wish I were asleep.
79. I love Reeses peanut butter cups.
80. I never have enough energy.
81. I have a friend who has an outtie bellybutton.
82.I have driven a car.
83. There is no nailpolish on my nails.
84. I am unafraid to change, but I don't think I realize the boundary between change and utter transformation.
85. I wear brown, thin-rimmed glasses.
86. Goodbyes make me sad.
87. Cold Stone is so much better than Baskin Robbins
88. I love cuddling. (it's just so sweet)
89. I run when I'm bored. (I wish, girl)
90. I wish I were more attractive to others.
91. I worry too much sometimes about what people think.
92. I'm a billion times better than I was in junior high school.
93. Compliments make me happy.
94. I like long car rides with certain people.
95. I HATE when people incorrectly label me. in general, i hate labels
96. I wonder a lot who I'm going to end up marrying.
97. I listen to the things no one else cares about.
98. I can't draw from imaginiation.
99. TyPiNg LIeK diS anNoyes mEeeh.
100. This took too long Grrr...

makan orang...

Wassalam...

updet....updet..adoi!!!

2008-09-13T00:33:00.005+08:00

Assalam'ualaikum...

So we've been fasting for a little over a week now. Having the first day or Ramadhan align with Sept 1st makes it easy for me to remember things :) All in all...Everyone loves Ramadhan, I think the fasting month is just so rewarding. You're just sooo focused on your work and all the important stuff, and you're more calm and collected and you don't damn quite.. as.. much...

I'm sorry I haven't been updating my blog(again 3 days jer), I've been kinda busy(jwpan Std). And when I'm not busy I'm just basically glued to the laptop and concentrate on my writing, (a husband's duty).Yes I do love my own belleslettres (tak kisah ler hampeh ke tak hahaha)...My living room still looks like a bomb zone I think I'm gonna have to concede to getting rid some of my stuff, so if anyone in KL is reading this and they want a chair, a table or this wheely thingy that you put microwave on, lemme know..

Kak Nor and Abang Besar(sblh umah) have been selling food/drink lately due to Ramadhan, so I've been stuffing myself with some really good stuff, like soya bean, and today I had biryani. Yum... biryani. Yum... Soya drink....... life has been good to my tummy lately, but lousy to my waistline. Dang it, I'll never get my figure from high school couples year back, hahahaha. Oh goodness, that sounds so ridiculous! oh well...

I'm prbably gonna end up working in an office for the rest of my life(if pergi study erk), I might as well do something meaningful and something I can be proud of right now. If I can do something that would mean anything to at least one person, big or small, I would be the happiest person ever.

Dang! eh far thanks for the yankees sweater lupa plaks nak ckp dah kat sebulan terima, like it sho mush even though am not yankees's fan. hahahah. So how ramadhan in Seattle, I mean you *just* came out of summer, so the days are still longer than the nights. It's pretty damn annoying right!! hahahaah...are you coming back this raye?.Btw Mar dah intvw kt Petronas(sori Mar tak leh simpan rahsia) seems he fits into the job descriptions.hahaha..dah boring jadi geologist kat states katernye..so thinking to come back...weird!!! ok2 enuf for kroni part.the end!

Ok I got to go...see ya on the flip side..*currently I keep forgetting stuff even though I was thinking about it 5 seconds ago*

~from fer with just~

FeRfect Stranger.....

2008-09-09T21:11:00.005+08:00

assalamu'alaikum.....

I'm so confused right now, I hate when I have to make tough decisions like this... kadang rasa mcm I want to study abroad but sometimes I thought don't even think about it. aihhhh!!!! but for now fortunely every stage tu lepas, and by now I make an arrangement with some people in dublin, especially to help me untuk cari rumah sewa and stuff like that. Sounds serius yeah! but for me still not sure what am suppose to do. Do I makes a right decisions? I dont't know. Actually there's so many things that I want to see or to do while I'm young, and so many things I want to learn, and even though I'm physically and mentally tired all the time plus with 1-20 issues I have to care about. btw I still have a time until end of this year to decide any posibilities. Again basically it sucks (really it does) when you basically do not have a lot of resource to do this.

For instance, I have to say I'm regretting a lot patutnya I'm be able to abroad after Spm1999, but I made horibble decisions. I'll fix this, I always do. Hopefully I'll be able to fix this soon, or else I'm gonna be worried for the rest of the career and I'm already depressed enough as it is. *Sigh*....

I chatted with a few friends I said mostly people tgh keje keras save duit sebab nak kawin, and I don't have that purpose to motivate me working. And klu lah betul dpt further study tak kisah if I hafta to work as a part time cleaner ker I would have gladly taken a that job as long as it meant that I would earn money and indirectly gain some real hard job experience. But It's not really even about the money, actually. It's more than that people...sometimes it took everything I had to keep me from crying about this dream (abroad). And I have to say the fact that some of my friends was laughing and making jokes with this. And guys, actually I cried so much at the first place, even I was laughing with the jokes. I believe by the time I don't have much in me to cry again.

I've been feeling strange lately .... like really strange. Can't really elaborate why. But it's definitely strange. The heart wants what it want when it wants .... and right now what I want, I cannot have. *Sigh* ... nak kawin balik kampung tanam jagung pun tak boleh. LoL. Adoi... hold on a sec.. brb...I just hate being strange!!

~from fer with strange~

three months to Go.......

2008-09-08T21:41:00.007+08:00

Assalam'ualaikum....

Aihhh!!! Baru balik kerja just to rest my hands a bit, my finger has this pen identation that came about from holding my pen for the whole day. So I decided to abuse my fingers another way: by typing in random stuff to update my blog.

Tonight spending in my room by my lonesome, reading a few BOOKs and basically devouring everything in sight. I'm just in my down time, relaxing a bit before all the craziness of life starts.huh!....mls gila nak terawih....errrr!!!

Anwyway, today is kinda hectic at work. Can't wait to go home and get some shut eye. I almost missed work this morning. Thank goodness I got here on time (somewhat) ... or at all. It's a little hard when you wanna have it all: work, social life, blogging, etc.... aihh! tak tau what to write anymore...better stop!!!!

I was watching TV when I realized that I was actually missing someone really badly. Wherever you are, you're always in my thoughts hon :) ....

dang! lupa laks...btw thanks Ita your song really made my day....and I played the song back to back.like it very much..and tanya aku nape sedey2 erk??...ermmmm.....my answer is "takda pape"....ok2 nak nyayi ni..(zeta mesti org yg tension if you read this!!) hhahaha mood raya sket...sorey zeta!!!!

Termenung ku sendiri

Memendam rindu tidak menentu

Kasih suci murni yang kita bina

Hapus hancur oleh kata fitnah

Di pagi hari raya

Hati sayu mengenang dirimu

Mudahnya kau menggantikan diriku

Seolah cintaku tak berharga

Apakah suratan

Aidilfitri satu titik akhir

Sekian lama bercinta

Kau tiada di hari mulia

Keampunan ku pohon

Sekiranya aku yang berdosa

Pulanglah ku merindui mu sayang

Ku menanti dengan hati rela ( jiwa raga ) ade ke bunyi camni...

Pulanglah kepangkuan ku oh...

sayangKu menunggu mu di hari raya...oh...oh..oh...

~fer~

Fer Pen With......

2008-09-06T11:33:00.006+08:00

Asslamua'alaikum....

I haven't updated in a about 3 days jer, in fact. Been really busy lately(designed nin punyer web and yee punyer too) , but things has been weird. Now I'm back to reality, things had gotten a wee bit outta control. The things supposed to be easy turns out has a matter that I can't seem to find a way to get rid of. I've been sitting here in front of my laptop trying to pen something that could help me to find the solutions, but It's Still not. I really dont know how to write anymore, how to responds to the current situations, how to make decisions,...aahhh!! Crap! What I want!!!!

Know what I want? For now I want to run away to a place where I don't have to feel any pain, be it physically, emotionally or mentally. I want to run away to a place where you can breathe everything good and all the bad things are far, far away. I want to be where things are simple and simple to see, where you don't miss anything and everything is what you want it to be.

I want to be at a place where I can love and be loved in return. I want to be somewhere peaceful and quiet no one take anything for granted.. including me. I want to be at a place where saying nothing at all is equal to saying everything. I wanna be where the sun shines bright and the moon is brighter, where a smile is "Hello", a handshake is "I like you" and a kiss is "Be mine". I want to be at a place where I can have everything, only to realize that I actually need nothing.

Actually, all I want right now is to be free of everything.. free of responsibilities, free of pain, free of the expectations that as an adult, I have to act a certain way and I should feel a certain way or else I'm not mature enough or I'm not a good person .... or even worse, not good enough. Especially when I know probablyI'm a good person and a good friend and a good son.

Sadness overcomes you, but what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? So I'm just gonna do what I have to do, **** everyone who don't like the methods.... :s

~from fer with regards~

ferAway to go....

2008-09-02T20:43:00.007+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

Omigosh, I haven't updated for quite some time now. Sorry for that, been busy lately. Actually, I still have a bunch of stuff to do for this last week and this week, but I decided to take a break and pen in some stuff before people start complaining again, hahaha. Shut your yappers. If you read my previous entries I decided nak withdraw my dream to study abroad kan?. One of the reason because I do not want to bust my brain. That day I thoughts I just want to concentrate in my life and makes everybody happy. Another things senarnnya malas gila nak change University,lagi2 nak sit for the placement test ARghhh!!! tak sanggup...Sucks! and beberapa hari lepas post entries kata nak withdraw study tuh , banyaknye received emails tanya WHY I want to do that and bla bla bla...., I honestly apperciate the thoughts tak kiralah thru email or comment, tapi unfortunely tak larat nak balas all the emails that I got. Sorry Yer, but thank you so much for your thoughts and concern, Allah je yg dapat balas. But I'm touched that so many people took the time nak bace the entries and then email me to show support.

Anyway, my IELTS preparation is going on pretty slow. My fault, of course, I've been busy with other stuff, lately, to be exact, I've been busy with work and personal stuff. It's supposed to be an easy score at least 5 or 5.5 (tp englishku mcm hampeh!but I'll try my best) and I do not want to mess up and I'm determined to do well, regardless the fact that my Cikgu Englishku is a tad bit more fussy than my school teacher. Never fear, I will prevail. Btw tmorw is the test I should be freaking out more but I'm not, and that's kinda worrying because I know the exam is gonna be hard... plus I have to think about work and something...... So I really should be bucking down and studying, but unfortunately, I'm not. Uh oh....!!!

Wish I have that kind of attitude for everythings. Amazing, there are this that I just wanna give up, but lo and behold, suddenly everything makes perfect sense. And while that's supposed to make me happy, it doesn't, because then I'd feel like the challenge is over and I have nothing to look forward to. Ah, humans, we're never satisfied with anything.

I'm just so confused right as to what I wanna do right now!. As of now I really wanna do is go to study abroad. I want it so bad, it hurts. But looking at my preparation, it's average at best. And I really want it. Yeah, like that's gonna happen. I don't want to sound too much like Gloomy Gus(muram), but that dream seems to be further from my reach day by day. we'll see how everything goes.......

dear someone that I hurt,

I think I screwed up everything. I really bad when I told you that I won't be able to make any decision. I was only being truthful, I have exams coming up and will barely be in my right mind to make any personal-related decisions. Seriously, there's some serious stuff we have to discuss. And I just need more time. Considering that I need to make decision quickly. Also the fact that I was horrible at making decisions...later

mar, did you call me? The voice mail was pretty bad, I had no idea what you said.

~fer~

RamaDhan Againts MerDekaDone......

2008-08-31T11:41:00.005+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Selamat Berpuasa :) !!!! May Ramadhan brings us many many many blessings, cherished memories and a chance to redeem ourselves and come out better people. Honestly, me head (and tummy) has not registered that it's the fasting month. Hopefully this year I'll be able to do better than I did before this. Dang! forgot something Hapey Merdeka day! (thats all) more story...

Yesterday was interesting in a bad way. Gone dinner with my family officially to celebrate my sis birthday.(happybirthday! I wont tell much about her because she don't even know I have this blogs hahahah becoz I'm worried she gonna comment too mush!) .Lol Today was interesting in a bad way. I am so drained. My chest feels like someone's poking it with a hot pin and then squeezing my heart really, really hard. Sleep didn't come easy, my head isn't in in any values, and all I wanna do is curl in my bed and go to sleep.

I had a serius talked with my father this morning about to study abroad..but Ahhh!!! Malas nak komplen pasal pape we'll see, Ramadhan is starting and I should be happy :) . And in a lot of respects, I am. I just... wish some other things would fall into place too :) .

~from Fer with drain~

idiots FerCisions.....

2008-08-31T00:25:00.003+08:00

Dear All,

Officially I want to announce I wouldn't to study abroad, I don't think it would have been possible for me to further my studies due to certain circumstances. This is very hard decision for me which I have to decide should or shouldn't. Now I'm truly written with mortification because again I have to refuse the given opportunity. My Cikgu englishku if you read this, it will be a huge disppointment for you. I really want to say thank for your assistance. I dont know where I would have been without you. You changed my life, emotionally as well. I was glad to be your student, so thank you and keep up the good teaching. May God richly bless you!

Dear Puan Sharifah Hayati,

If you read this too, you might say "I never changed", I do appreciates for your support,guidance, thougths and always helping me all the way and making such a great upbringing to me. I won't tell you. "Why I made this decision". For me you always a "mother" wanted her boy to be one of the best and whenever I'm sad and lonesome, you always gets me to smile huh! I've never had someone other then you....again another bleak for me...I cant continue my writing anymore,....ahhhh!!! I'm Sorey!!!!!1

fer

FerMan, FerMent and FerChines...

2008-08-29T22:12:00.004+08:00

asalamu'alaikum...

Nothing to reports, nothing thoughts.....I just want to share something nice with you...

When I was in Stockholm last a few months, I was walking down from central Station, on my way back from breakfast, when I saw this guy, who was wearing a suit, pacing in near a bus stop infront central station. First of all it was a bit weird to be wearing suit when it's freezing outside, and it's not that often you see a suited guy pacing in front of thai restaurant. So I glanced at him at looked again...and it was Big Sam, Sam Allaydyce coach of bolton and newcastle F.C. Holly Crap!. It was cool! I have to say meeting a Big Sam was a "phenomenal". Probably becoz he was surrounded by a thousand adoring EPL fans. I thought I want so say something at least hi! and shake his hand! something! But I cant because there were a throng peoples around him...But it was cool! there were a few people shouted from his car "coach you need a ride, Coach! you the best! Coach! you ma man! and people keep saying you did a good jobs! to him even though he has been sacked by NFC...aih!!!Certainly a nice, uplifting moment to share.............

God, I'm having writer's bloc. Great. I'm sure everyone reading is asleep by now... oh well... till something more interesting comes up....

Wassalam.... fer

whEn feR Rule the WorLd........

2008-08-28T22:04:00.005+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

aih...seems like this week was pretty sombre and so is my writing yeah! I has written with sadness, talked abt stupidity, story about her, acknowledge someone contribution, etc...aaahhhh!! I'm broken hearted and bored out of my mind.... This is not a good feeling at all... concentrate!

huh! I really want to do more! more! and more ...ok! how about if any one of you lay me some idea or just tell me anything what you wish me to write and I'm gonna mercerize with my own mould theory...(I'm gonna pick one topic and yr privacy is guarantee)

why I want to this because...I want to "test" how good my thougths, my writing and such like that...Plus it was a great way to make new friends and get to know people. so pls drop me an email to efi_2008@yahoo.com or

Hasanudin.Muhamad-Firdaus@standardchartered.com

~fer~

It's only natural to want attention from the ones that you love Sweetie!....

2008-08-27T22:11:00.004+08:00

Hullo people (or hullo to myself if no one's going to read this)!! ..today I have been kinda busy. I've had rush to approving bills to, meetings to go, audit issues, books to read for , books to write for....I do like looking at websites, I'm just bad at reading other people's blogger except lindzreen blog, hahaha. I have a terminal case of jealousy, where if I read something cool that other people did, I would be happy for them, but depressed for me, because I wanna do it, too! And if I see something... hmm.... hurtful, yang tak sedap mata memandang (take it how you want to, as long as people who know me best know what it is), that would just ruin the whole day for me. If I can describe this behavior in one word, it would be obsessive. Hahaha... nuts, I sound like a complete fruitcake. I'm really not...

Aihhh!!! Sweetie...Im sorry I didn't reply your email today, Like I said I've had to many things to rush2 today...But here TONIGHT I'm gonna try to lay my thoughts or stuff like that....hmmm

For me honey, if he doesn't have a time with you then so be it. Just tell him do whatever he want to do( go with his friends..) you don't have to sweat it, becoz if he loves you so much...he'll start to miss you and want you be around, hang out with you and stuff like that. dont feel so sad, you still have someone around you right...BUT don't dont even argue with him be calm about it. see what he says.....for now you might feeling insecure or needing more attention from him. Hey Sweetie! it takes two to tango so if it is more attention you want then why not take one day a week when you plan on doing something just you and him and spoil(manja sket2 dah) him....

He will lavish attention on you if he is worth his grain of salt and will certainly come around. how about if we go to the English classical solutions, go away for the weekend somewhere, go out to dinner or even dress up really nice and either cook him a nice meal or order something nice and candles and sit at home and enjoy the meal....Follow this with dessert of strawberries dipped in chocolate. I believe if you ut in an effort to become more fufilled then if he was worth it he would definately come around....

Sweetie! Like I said dont't argue....Just tell him nicely what you told me-"that you're not trying to take away his time". and let him explain his point of view. Try to reach a compromise and settle things peacefully. What is important is that you love each other, and that you don’t want to loose the relationship.

I totally agree with you " kekayaan tak menjamin kebahagiaan" but remember " we can rent it for awhile right!"...make a choice.

Ok sweetie? I might slightly insane on my thougths and another thing that you have to remember... "great way to kill a relationship is to expect attention every single minute"

Aihhhh, I am outta stuff to write. so people and havva great day!

truly me
~fer~

truly YoUrs.....

2008-08-26T22:38:00.015+08:00

dear you,

"There is no greater feeling than knowing that your friendship is valued simply because it's YOUR friendship, not because of the material things that you can provide or because you're a doormat and people can just walk over you"

It'll be hard, and I mean, I was really hurt over your choice of actions and in a lot of ways, I probably have to be a lot more careful now until I want to do it again, but friendships that you actually want to keep are hard to forge because of my stupidity, and I'm not a mean person by nature. I saw your sincerity, saw that you trying to do something, and mostly saw that you really CARES that I'm hurting.

That's the thing about people. I thought I'd be mad at you forever, or at least for the next few years anyway, and I thought our friendship was over and done for. However, you was earnest about mending things, and although I'm still feeling some negative emotions, I'm willing to work them out just so that I don't lose you.

To be honest I didn't make things easy for you , all I wanted to do was to run away from all the things that were hurting me and protect myself from being vulnerable over and over again, so I ignored you. I saw that you cares and you doesn't assume that given time I'd be okay, you actually made a huge effort to at least try and make things better. I truly and honestly appreciate that, in more ways than anyone can imagine. You extended the olive branch, and I have decided to take it.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm being so forthcoming and open about this, that I can speak about this so candidly even though this is, in all actuality, very private for me. Here's why: I don't like it when people just assume things. Assume that I'll be okay when I won't. Assume that I'll react in a certain way when I'm more intelligent than that. Assume that since nothing fazes me anymore, nothing hurts me anymore too. People make so many assumptions about things that they know nothing about. I know this because in a lot of cases I find that I'm guilty of doing it too. So no more assumptions. I'm laying the facts down bare and naked for people to read.

The fact is I'm not mean. If you show effort, I'll definitely meet you halfway. Thing is, I need to know that what I put out is not in vain. Sometimes you just need certain confirmations because maybe something happened and you just need to know.... know that it's still worth working towards, worth hanging on to, 'cause like I said, a good friendship is so hard to forge. Of course when you have it you don't want to let it go.

I need people to know that I never, never, never take my decisions lightly. They might not be the best course of actions, and they might be more motivated by emotions rather than thought, but these decisions are mostly made because I feel like there is no other way out. Call it a defense mechanism if you will. Sometimes I act out in certain ways as a test to someone, which in many aspects is so very not fair... 'cause I'm setting up the person to fail, since you doesn't know what the "test" is or that you is being "tested" at all.

But here's the trick: for every test, there's a sure-fire way to pass ..... I need to know that you actually care. You don't have to go all-out, all I need is a small confirmation that yes, no matter how small the feeling is, you do care that our friendship now has a rift. . I need the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who actually care enough about the relationship. This is basically what's going through my head when I have a conflict with any of my close friends, girls or guys. The cause might be different, but ultimately the end result is always the same. That aside, I also know that if I'm wrong, that I am not afraid to say I'm sorry. My ego isn't that inflated. And in certain cases, I'll even apologize even when I feel I'm right just because I know the issue is important to the other person more than it does me.

But reciprocate, dammit, I'm selfish enough to expect certain things in return. Which is why when I write the journal (refer to beginning of blog), I was relieved. The state of emergency is over, Lol... well at least this one anyway. You cares enough to try. Which is all I ever really wanted, 'cause everything else can click in place if we can at least show each other that we appreciate one another. Again sorry and thank you.

yours sincerely,

firdaus

"that incident actually I had last two months with her (I'm not gonna go into details(yep! certainly I did) 'cause I know for a fact this person reads my blog and I don't wanna embarrass the both of us by being mushy LoL, plus this one is a little more private. Suffice to say ... baby steps :) ), I have to admit that my friends are really going above and beyond this time, which is a nice change of pace from thinking that no one gets you. It's nice to know that people can still pleasantly surprise you with their depth... and their perseverance...... and mostly their respect"

~fer~

feriAns IdiotS........

2008-08-26T21:23:00.004+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

I'm still having a miserable days lately. Uncertainty about life, in general, is never good. Uncertainty about what the hell am I gonna do if funding doesn't come through is downright killing me. How I'm gonna further my study huhuhuhhuhu.

For now I have story to write, a letter to compose, a program to clean up, practicing my english language.... but right now! I'm getting pretty regular about updating my blog ... even tho I actually have nothing to report, LoL.

A friend asked me yesterday, what I want to do with my life, what kind of a job am I looking for? I said I wanted something hands-on. I'm still young, and I think that it would be a waste for me to just sit behind a desk and just sign papers and approve things. I want to get my hands dirty. I want my life and my job to be a series of learning experiences instead of being stuck in one mode and never being able to venture out. I want to be challenged... constantly. I know I've complained a lot about things being sooooo hard for me (LoL), but this september, after being on my current job for a two years now, I realize that I am bored out of my mind. Predictability is nice for a while, but after that I just get... restless. Dammit I want to learn. I wanna go out and be useful instead of just being there ..... which is kinda in direct contrast with what I want personally. For me private life, stable and safe is definitely the way to go. No more drama, please. And talking about personal life... I'm pretty volatile right now. Not that I blow up easy, but something might bother a lot more now than it would before. I hate feeling like this, but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do.

A friend asked me about the entry, and apparently my rant managed to make somone slightly "nervous" because that someone thinks he/she fits into that description. Well, it does fit, but it's not you honey. Weird, isn't it, how people can do stupid hurtful things to you no matter what gender they are. I've heard "Guy friends are easier to have" .... yeah right. "Girl friends are way better, they are always there for you".... well not always, apparently, and the dissapointment of realizing that your girl doesn't have your back can be quite overwhelming.

Anyway, the rest of tha day is gonna pretty dull... and I'm bored right now..

-fer-

you Made my Day Sweetie....thankee!!!!!

2008-08-25T22:32:00.008+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Today, I've been having a miserable day. nothing to write.... By the way I would like to acknowledge Haslinifairos, thank you again for fixing my pc problems for me, you're the best and you made my life easier :)!

Here’s a couple of gems that I remembered from my tele conversations with Haslini:
(lebih kurang je la erk sbb tak bape igt)

me: I give u my tickets no: bla bla bla......my windows passwords dah kene locked banyak kali nih, I tak boleh buat kerja...I dah penat nak explain ni..
her: takpe2 I tgh check ni u tak perlu banyak ckp....(tak pasal2 kena sound)
me: ok2
her: I rasa patutnya takda masalah dah ni....u ade shut down pc u tak?
me: dah bnyak kali dah try tapi tak boleh?
her: okla i reset ur passwords then try to login again...I call u back in 3 minutes to ensure u dah in dlm rpt screen...
me: ok I shut down ni?
her: yer ( cara jawab dh stock bosan ar dgn kerenah aku)

then shut down la pc sekali lagi....lepas 3 minit she call again:

her: mcm mana dh masuk rpt screen?
me: dah2
her: yr new passwords...bla bla bla bla....selalu gan org kita senang ckp melayu jer..
me: takpe I bukan reti ckp english....tak sekolah omputih....
me: ok....dah banyak gila sy tukar passwords ni smpai tk tahu nak buat ape lagi ni....
her: buat je ape2....firdaus, nama ayah u ker...kan sedap hasanudin...
me:dah buat dah....I letak nama u je la mcm tuh?
her: eh jgn tak leh tidur karang...
me: then tak tahu nak buat ape...takpe I try jer...

then changed la the new passwords by using her name....the interesting parts was this is first time ever in my life la..use pc com passwords by using others people name...why it happened?? Crap! then solved le problems aku nih... tak lama kemudian supprisingly she call back...oh sweet!!
again:

her: so mcm mana dah ok?
me: dah thanks erk....I guna nama u jer...
her: habisla tak tidur mlm la mcm ni...I dah agak dah nama I ok....
me: thanks anyway....eh ape email u?

then.......cukup la takat tu jer korang nin!!!.....

yep! am kinda a poyo..enuf..Okay, back to reality....dont start yr fantasis.......

Thank you to all for the nice responds. I really appreciate all your responds and suggestions. You guys inspired me to go forward on my wirting. Once again Thank you to all.

-fer-

la jour après Premier juillet....'part two'

2008-08-24T20:18:00.005+08:00

How many times in your life have you felt personally affronted, offended or disappointed insomeone's actions to the point where an apology seemed to be necessary? Sometimes an apology seems important at the time but the incident fades in time to the point where the incident is forgotten and the need for an apology fades with it.

Other times, it is felt that an apology is so critical that the relationship cannot continue until the apology is delivered and a suitable apology at that, not just any half-hearted apology. So apology can be simple but not always easy. The question always arises, “How do I respond to another's transgressions?” Do I pretend that I don't see it? Do I turn away from it? Do I ignore it? These are questions that we can't ignore and there are no simple answers. But if we find ourselves hanging on to negative emotions we can always make the choice to let them go.

At that moment all of it was too heavy, the weight of it all totally overwhelmed me and as I like knelt beside her, hate, anger, frustration, and bitterness filled my heart against her. when she asked for my forgiveness which I never expecting at all. I rose up my hand and ask to Allah "You've got to be kidding! it was my faults. I don't even deserve her forgiveness. That was very difficult for me! I struggled for quite awhile and try to get of the grid or I despised everything about her. Yes "people" I know, that was the beginning of the healing but rejection causes the deepest wound. The wounds caused by others to our soul are deep and very painful, especially when those wounds are undeserved. And, believe me, there will be many during your lifetime. But it wasn't her faults why should she asked for my forgiveness. I ripped her heart out betrayed our friendship and I lost the best thing ever in my life.

But what I've learned from this situation right now, forgiveness is not the hard part. The hard part is struggle that comes with every moment onwards. For now I dont know to do either. Again there were a lot questions on my mind left unanswered as to how I could ever earn her trust again? Do I still love her? Do I need a second chance? Do I want a second chance? Does she's everything I've ever wanted? or Does she's just want to say sorry and that's it?.

When I present my feelings now I just want to say sorry to her seemed to have deeply hurt by my stupidity. I'm sorry that I live to far away to truley be comfort for her. I'm sorry that she is everything I look for in a woman and a friend. I'm sorry my heart yearns at the very thought of her. For all of this I am sorry. I was an awful friend to her but the truth remain unchanged, I just was unable to hide my feelings towars her. to be continue.......

Time and feelings Change....

2008-08-24T18:59:00.004+08:00

Seeing you again has made me realize many things,That times and feelings do change.Looking at you I see that you are happy inside,But still I wonder about the tears you may have cried.

Are you truly as happy as you seem to be?Or is it hesitation, and sadness I see?For whether you realize it or not I do care,And for you I will always be there.

The places have changed with time,Your friendship I hope will always be mine.We have gone separate ways,But we will still share many things in future days.

I want you to know that I am glad you are finally happy and content,You will never realize just what to me you actually meant.I know that the hurt will pass as time goes by,But to say I will stop loving you would be a lie.

For you see, my dearest friend ,You managed to break through the strongly built wall,The wall that surrounded me and protected my feelings inside,The wall that held many tears that I have finally cried.

Your presence will be missed so much in my home and heart,But knowing you are happy, makes me glad that we did part.I want you to know my friend, I will always be here for you.I will always love you no matter what you do.

When you find that you can't go on where you are, and you are unsure of what to do,Remember me and my love for you.For if you need me my friend, I will be there.With all my love and to show you how much I care.

Most of all my friend, I want you to know,That this is probably best for us both to grow,That you are there and I am here,I knew we wouldn't always be together and near.

I suppose in my own selfish way I wanted only for me,Your happiness I did not look for and see.But that has changed my friend so much now,I hope that you can see my love for you and accept it as only you will allow.

No, I don't think I will ever forget you my friend,And I know now that your leaving wasn't the end.I want you to know that when you need me and you find you might be alone,You my friend, are welcome to come back, to my love and my home.

I love you dear friend, do not cry,For I have decided to stay here, and make it and at least for myself try.We will stay in touch of this I am sure,And who knows, maybe someone else will finally mature.

Just remember dear friend, I love you and this will always remain,My friendship is yours, and that will always be the same.Take care my friend, and may your happiness grow,For I love you, and this I did so want you to know

~poem by RW edited by fer~

kau ilkamku.........

2008-08-24T18:10:00.005+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

hahaha.. nothing to reprt this evening (maybe at night), except I wan to share this song. Took me a long search in my folder to get and finally!. Enjoy this song :) , I know I do. This is offficially one of my favorite song. "Kau Ilhamku" chewahh!!!!

I have nothing to write about today, it's been slow, I haven't been doing much work, basically slept a lot. :). Now I have to go pray and such :) .

I love my friends and family, hope you guys have the best upcoming ramadhan !

Wassalam...

to whom it may concern this special song for you;

(you know how you are)

Beribu bintang dilangit Kini menghilang, Meraba aku dalam kelam, Rembulan mengambangKini makin suram, Pudar ilhamku tanpa arah, Sedetik wajahmu muncul Dalam diam, Ada kerdipan ada sinar, Itukah bintang atau rembulan, Terima kasih ku ucapkan, Izinkan kumencuri bayangan wajahmu, Izinkan ku mencuri khayalan denganmu, Maafkanlah oh...Andai lagu iniMengganggu ruangan hidupmu, Kau senyumlah oh...Sekadar memori Kita di arena ini, Kau ilhamkuKau ilhamku...huhuhuhuhu

I guess tonight I have something special to write....stay tune guys!!

~thankee thankee for the nice supports~

-fer-

ferBoostonthafabLane.......

2008-08-23T23:22:00.004+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

Waaaahhh.... lamenye 4 hari tak tulis..sbb busy mengikuti apeal kes si russian tuh then cut and paste jer russian nye story tu mesti korang pun bosan "ape menda si fer ni buat kan?" hahahahah...(sori ler hari nie kurang ade mood nak tulis everything in English, kalau kene marah ngan cikgu englishku pun nasiblah). Anyways, kite yang kat umah nie baru baik demam yang telah berlangsung selame due hari. For two days, nak bangun katil pun cam torture, tambah dengan sakit perut yang memulas and suhu badang yang tak leh nak decide kalau die nak sejuk ke panas. Kejap pasang kipas, kejap tutup kipas, nak kesian dengan mrs kipasku tuh, baik kesian diri senirik sebab due malam tak leh nak tido, merane sorang2 sebab tanak jumpe doctor. Tang sakit perut tu lah tak tahan sebab nak gie bathroom tak leh, lan jenis sakit nye, nak baring sakit, nak duduk pun sakit. Last-last berdiri jalan keliling umah tgh malam, gie terkejutkan uncle yang ingat kan penyangak mane ntah masuk umah, nasib baik tak kene silat. Nasib baik jugak treadmill dah tak ujud dalam umah (ye ke nasib baik?) kalau tak ade jugak gune treadmill kol 3 pagi sebab takleh nak tido. Hantu betul.

Selain daripada itu(macam buat surat resmi laks ehem ehem!) lama tak tulis sbb been busy kemas2 bilik yg mcm kandang kambing. so nak re engineered balik bilik ku inin...but my new room left a lot to be desired, though, because there's no book shelf for me to put my books. That totally threw me off, since I do have a lot of books (accumulated throughout the 2 years), and now my books are laying on the floor inside their respective boxes. Definitely not cool. Oh, btw, cikgu english ku, if you're reading this blog, see, I'm writing mostly in English. See how much I love you? Hope you're having an awesome holiday.

As for me, I'm stuck here. Actually, it's a good thing. So many things have happened, I think I do need the time to get myself centered and free-up my head to prepare for the new year(awal erk?). This year, everything was rush-rush. I rushed to settle stuff, rushed to push feelings away so that I can focus, rushed to force myself to be okay about things when in actuality I didn't feel okay. Rushed to be normal for everyone else's sake except mine. Rush rush rush....

Bangun pepagi ingatkan buleh ler study utk IELTS lebey2 sket... hampeh, habuk pun tak masuk. Ngehehe... then take a break and tgk list people not in my contact list, but have me in theirs. Ade lah jugak quite a few, mase tgh dok2 ponder "pas test nak kene clean-up email, kene delete contacts yg tak....", tetibe perasan satu email me yang kinda vaguely familiar lah jugak. Pastu it hits me. Ish, org nie tak patut have me dalam die punye contact pun, actually. So selepas setahun tak memblock org secare permanent, I broke my rule and move the address to my "blocked messages" kotak. Childish? Maybe. Stupid? Hell yeah. Puas hati tak pastu? Definitely. Heheh. Diabolical minds works in twisted ways. then tengahari buat alligment keta...bleh plak stereng keta aku sengget....cuba check sikit...???

Anyway, my pre test IELTS english oral went so and so. Nak kate teruk sgt, tak jugak, but it wasn't that bad. I was very, very happy when my GSI said that my english "flows" and that I have a nice accent. Heheheheh... bangge bangge (ye lah tuh) and dia puji "exceptionally good for this level..... hope to hear you talk more in class". Wah wah wah wah.... hepi hepi hepi!!!tapi dia kata jgn terikut-ikut movie sgt. Anyway, I liked english so much I might even consider taking extra class, but we'll see :) .

The request for Mikhail Khodorkovsky’s early release is a test for President Medvedev

2008-08-23T08:39:00.003+08:00

From the exchange of letters between the Frankfurter Rundschau and Mikhail Khodorkovsky:

There are many versions as to why the Kremlin had you arrested in 2003 and destroyed Yukos. They say Yukos dealt too independently, controlled more than 100 members of parliament and followed its own energy policies. In a meeting with Vladimir Putin at the Kremlin in February 2003 you denounced corruption in the environment around him. When he rejected your suggestion for a Yukos pipeline to China you answered: “Vladimir Vladimirovich, you fail to understand the importance the relationship with China.” Were you brought down because you didn’t show the Czars the respect they demand?

If we leave economic interests aside, what remains is that I was socially engaged, and personally supported opposition parties financially. In the meeting with the president I gave a lecture on corruption in the highest levels of power. This lecture was the result of discussions with many people, including Kremlin authorities. Several of them had to leave the Kremlin afterwards. Those are the facts. The rest is myth. The new charges brought against me are also complete lunacy.

Do you regret not having fled the country in 2003, despite warnings of arrest?

I am sorry for other Yukos people who have also been condemned to prison, and for my family. But for me it was above all a question of my honor, of faith or betrayal, and in the end patriotism. In this situation I couldn’t just walk away.

What would you do if you were released? Be a businessman again, politician, or something else?

I have built up a great debt to my family, even if unwillingly. I would above all try and pay that back.

If Mikhail Khodorkovsky is found guilty in a new trial, he could be condemned to another 22 years in the prison camp. His lawyers have calculated this. He would then be 67 upon his release.

-posted by robert amsterdam editted by fer-

two things that have made me really happy today the working day is almost ending and someone who talked about "Ireland and Sorry"...

2008-08-21T22:13:00.005+08:00

Assalamu’alaikum……

Today didn’t go exactly as I planned. I got in to work at about 9.00am, which isn’t bad considering we have flex hours, but it would’ve been nice to come in extra early when it was quiet and just try and get most of my work done, cause after lunch time, I’m sluggish, and I just don’t wanna do anything. Then I had a briefing where pretend I got lost trying to find the room, then realized that I didn’t have the templates we were gonna discuss. Luckily enough nothing major happened.It’s kinda tough to talk about work ‘cause I have no idea what’s confidential and what’s not, but so far I’ve been very vague about stuff. Which is probably why I went on and on about the audit ‘cause that’s the only thing I can really write about without worrying about getting in trouble.

But work has been good, went lunch together with gabbie, zeta, mahyudd and shaza yesterday then also to an old friends dinner event afterwards. One would’ve thought that after seven years in an old friends school, I would’ve known better by now, luckily enough for people reading this blog, I haven’t really. LoL. But it wasn’t bad, the food and drinks were good, the location kinda sucked a bit but hey, if I have to get on the freeway just to get to a restaurant, I’d rather have it be that restaurant. Oh, in case you were wondering, we went to the TGI Fridays, near (or in) Pavillion downtown.

I realize that I don’t have time to feel bored. There’s work during the weekdays, then socials during the weekend, and at night, I’d be so pooped from all the day activities I’d go straight to sleep after fighting to stay awake for Isya’ prayers. It’s been a lil’ hectic. On the plus side, I’m better at driving around anywhere now and figuring out where things are, and also figuring out that maneuvering the freeway is the only way I can survive around here.

I'm gonna watching X-files on Saturday. Should be fun, I hope. I liked the x-files tv shows and I’m hoping the movie one doesn’t disappoint. Some of my friends also actually recommended death race, with Jason Statham and Joan Allen. I dunno, it might be worth getting to.

I’m not feeling well right now, something is making me very uncomfortable and I can’t put my finger on it. To someone who talked about "Ireland" and "Sorry" I really appreciates what you've been doing but I really dont deserve your apologies...to be continue...

~fer Later! ~

Михаи́л Бори́сович Ходорко́вский

2008-08-20T22:34:00.009+08:00

October 28, 2007 - by Kim Zigfeld

If you know the name Mikhail Khodorkovsky, it probably doesn’t surprise you to learn that his lawyer, Robert Amsterdam, has published a 75-page white paper documenting a litany of constitutional violations by the Kremlin prosecutors who got his client sentenced to eight years in a Siberian gulag on allegations of corporate fraud.

But so what, right? What else would his own lawyer say?
Khodorkovsky, former CEO of the formerly enormous YUKOS oil concern (now liquidated by the Kremlin) was arrested four years ago last week, at five o’clock in the morning Moscow time, while his airplane was refueling in the Siberian town of Novosibirsk...continue.......

August 20, 2008 - by Fer

A prosecutor can almost always find some half-baked reason to indict an individual. Traffic cops, for instance, have long joked that they can ticket anybody if they watch them closely for five miles. Everybody is intrinsically a law breaker. And no, I’m not exaggerating. The spirit of the law must dominate, not the strict letter—or civilization will collapse. We will return to savagery. Human laws often contradict themselves and some are still on the books even though they have been ignored for years. Why did the Russians decide to prosecute Mikhail Khodorkovsky? Was it truly legitimate—or just an excuse to harass a “trouble maker”?

Those interested in expressing support for Mr. Khodorkovsky can visit the following website:
http://www.mbktrial.com/

~fer~

Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday.......

2008-08-19T21:20:00.005+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

First of all.... just wanna say... forget about what I wrote previously. LoL. I was being waaaaaaayyyyy too optimistic. Things can feel fine one minute and the next, you're suddenly reminded why you were really miserable before. So you can either be mature and act like it doesn't bother you, or you can be human and let it go in your own time. Being human is easier, LoL. I want to be happy, and I want to feel safe. And I'm not over it yet.

Weekend was spent very relaxingly. By visiting Zaza's itty bitty baby on Saturday. And drafting my new book on Sunday( a husband's duty). Far's will coming back on this Ramadhan (ooppss...). Tetibe ade tulis pasal Far kan. Far's told me she'll leaving on early ramadhan! and I'm gonna see her after (not sure yet) ! Maybe I should or I shouldn't.....ahhh cut the crap!!!

On Sunday, I realized that I can talk to a person, fall asleep, wake up, writing and continue the conversation like nothing happened... even though I was asleep for about 10 minutes. Who woulda think.And I'm just trying to figure out what I wanna do for the next jalan-jalan cari pasal. I really want to go somewhere in europe again, ... well, the UK.butttttt!!! ***ra wants me to go to Dublin and visit her for a bit, but there might be some I-20 issues with that and I don't know if I can risk it or not. Oh decisions decisions.... Oh!

On Monday, I went over to my uncle's house with my untie, mom, and a few cousins for kenduri and came back around 10 o'clock or something....really tired though!! until I couldn't sleep....and suddenly......I just realized, I'm not particularly good at anything specific. I'm poor in academic, poor in footballl, suck at everything else resembling sports and average in working. My writing is decent at best, so is my singing (probably), and I have no other talent whatsoever. I can't even play the piano anymore, I've forgotten so much and I'm so much out of practice. Average looks, average height...... I mean, I can honestly say that I'm a nice person, but in this world nobody really cares about that. Average person ... scary. Wish I can break free of all the mediocrity and actually be really good at SOMETHING.

And now it's Tuesday. I'm as sleepy as shit (I was chain-drinking nescafe this morning just to keep the sugar and caffeine rush up and keep me from getting sleepy while working on my duty). Work started at 8.30 am this morning. After a full day yesterday, all I want to do right now is just crawl back into bed and catch some more z's. But this morning I still managed to get myself settled a few jobs that totally required me to be awake. This morning the office is, in teff's words, really "jumpin' ". Out of all the days, it has to be the day that I'm sleepiest for alllllllllll o' this to happen. But right now I just couldn't sleep and decided to just blog a bit. Two updates in one day, I'm on a roll hehehehe. Anyway I'm excited for the last saturday game Arsenal vS. W.Brom....The Gunners had won their first match by 1-0....yay!!!

So that was how my days went..........

-fer-

She's just not THAT into me.......

2008-08-19T12:15:00.007+08:00

Assalam'ualaikum....

I've just alomost finished writing one book (well, actually I finished it two days ago), and I gotta say, for such a small book, it sure packs a punch. It certainly got me feeling a lot of emotions: anger, sadness, mortification.... and acceptance.I've accepted a long time ago that I'm not perfect, and I kinda left it at that. I'm not perfect, and I make mistakes. What I haven't accepted was the fact that it was okay to not be perfect, to not fit into The Girl's defination of perfect guy, because ultimately, the person I'm meant to be with would still think I'm perfect in spite of, or because of, my faults. The Girl might not like the fact that I have a small, babyish voice, but The One would find it endearing.When it comes to matters of the heart, I figured that since I'm not perfect, I shouldn't really expect the girl I'm with to be perfect.

Now that's a really dangerous road to go down, and the book made me realize that. Because once you have it in your head "Oh, she's doing something that I don't like, that's okay, she's not perfect, I probably annoy hers, too", then you start ignoring the vital signs. Big, fat, juicy signs that hollers she's Just Not That Into You. You start forgiving things that you shouldn't be. You let the fact that he makes you cry at least once a month slide, because you keep remembering the good times and oh how good the good times were and this is just a small bump in the road and we'll get over it .... And the excuses keep on coming until one day, you realize that you were the bump in his road and she's completely over you.Writing the book was tough for me.

It made me face facts. The signs were there and I didn't want to see it; because of that I let The Girl have the power to hurt me. I let her dictate how the relationship, if you can even call it that, play out to his advantage. The book made me see my past relationships, dates and crushes in a different way. I used to think that maybe if I had done things a little differently, be more sophisticated instead of emotionally vulnerable, then things could have been different. I realize know that there was nothing I could've done to keep her interest.

What I do have control over now, though, is how I behave once it's apparent that a girl is not into me enough to want a lasting relationship with me.So for me personally, I need to remember these :

If I'm the one who usually calls, but she never calls me first because talking on the phone is "not her thing", then she's just not that into me.

If she never wants to hang out with me and my friends at all, then she's just not that into me.
If I'm the one who's always making plans, and she just goes along with it, then maybe he's really not that into me.

If she doesn't want the "girlfriend" label because she "doesn't like labels", then she's really not that into me. That's just a step away from not wanting to be the "wife" because she doesn't like labels.

If she's into me, she'd want everyone to know we're together.

Life is complicated enough without having the woman in your life be the wrong woman. I'd rather be by myself and happy, than be with someone and be miserable. And the first step to being happy?

~from fer with love~

The FerBooks......

2008-08-14T23:43:00.007+08:00

ahh....tak bleh titun. Currently really tak tu ape nak tulis..ok I got it, just nak share....

Current books in my hand(tp dh baca sket2) ;

1.The betrayed by David Hosp

2.Leonuris Ohara Choice

3.Protech and defence by Vince Flynn

4.The Scorpia by Anthony Horowitz

5.The Historian by Elizebeth Kostova

6.Embraced by the light by Betty J. Eadie

7.Sakitnya Sayang by norhayati brahim

The books yg aku dah tulis;

1. Kasih Suci(completed 2002) edited by Izzah

2. Unending( Completed 2008) edited by Someone

3.The day after 1st July.....(in progress) viewed by Lindzia and zeta

4.A Husband's Duty(drafting not start yet)-none

-there-

FerAside from seeing..........

2008-08-14T20:54:00.010+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Mien again, Though today is pretty slow day for me plus with the fuckin "Bold Meeting"....and ada test plak tuh!,holy crap! I managed to pass the damn bold test even though I seriusly thought I failed it and was gonna have to take it again...ahhh!!!! but tonight isn't the subject..

Things are pretty quiet now in my life, aside from work, sleep, eat and worrying about money, I really have nothing going on. I made my credit cards payments just now, planned a budget for upcoming charges (and hopefully a trip to ***) and decided that I'm in pretty good shape. As my days seem to be calming down and I've settled most of my account stuff (feel bad for adding work for someone else now that I know how much work really is)....thankee mahyudd...

Sometimes I miss having someone around to just talk with. Nadeen and I used to talk a lot during the evenings when we got back from work. It was nice because I can just ask her and pop in to say"nak balik sama", and we would just vent out whatever stress that we had to each other. To the rest of the world she was this quiet, serious looking girl but to me she was this funny person who listened to what I had to say and never failed to put a funny spin on things so that in the end, all of the complicated things in my life that was bringing me down, didn't seem so complicated anymore.

A friend once told me "Just because they're not there doesn't mean you'll ever forget ". And I haven't, not for a single day. Nadeen was my comfort zone, people who I know I can tell anything and it won't up being blabbed to everyone, and in return I offered my friendship and whatever comfort and help I can give whenever I can. I guess in a way I hid behind her, took comfort in needing and being needed. Now that the screen is gone, what is left is me, and to learn how to function and operate in this new environment I was thrust in is just a concept that is too hard for me to comprehend right now, or maybe ever.

Almost 2 months had passed and I still haven't really found anyone like her, and most likely never will. In a way I'm being forced to be with me, to look at me and to come to terms with who I am and what defines me. I keep myself busy with work and acquiring new material things and sometimes writing :) , but while that would fill my days, when I lay on my bed at night, I'm still left with tonnes of memories and a huge gap in my heart.

Maybe I'm feeling extra melancholic because Nadeen I used to shared many things together. Sometimes it just didn't seem fair that I'm still here and she not, though I try to push those kind of thoughts away since I know what was decreed by Him is law and just. However I'm willing to admit that I'm afraid to die, and I am glad that my time isn't here yet. I don't want to leave before I've made some kind of mark and did some kind of good.

Okay, enough of the heavy stuff. See? See what writing all these superfluous is doing to me?? I'm sitting here in front of my laptop with no better thoughts in my head than thinking about my toaster taking over the world. I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TOASTER! holy crap!, I'm turning into an oxymoron, which is soooo much worse than your normal everyday moron. Oh well... moving on....

Beleive me not I myself was crying uncontrollably into my arms....I miss her somush!!!

-fer-

Fer Life on the daddyHood Lane.......

2008-08-13T22:28:00.005+08:00

Assalamu'alikum...

Dang! Totally forgot, Haluu Zaza, CONGRATULATIONS for 2nd baby valued 080803...(mohamad adam) He's a handsome little fella - just like me! DUShhh!!....heck!....A cute, chubby itty bitty lil' wee thing who's pink face and pretty eyes makes you go "aaahhh... sho cute". I love babies. They're so innocent and cute, and all they do is cry, poop and eat. (this would probably be a good time to make a crack at the women that I've known, but I'm gonna be nice today and not go there). I've always wanted kids of my own when I start a family. Honestly, kalau kate lah kan, ditakdirkan takde jodoh, I think what would break my heart more isn't the fact that I won't have a women in my life, but that I wouldn't get to go through the experience of fatherhood. However, that's a long way to go yet, and I'm nt gonna worry about things that I'm not even ready for.

I'm so sleepy right now, it's ridiculous. Catch you guys on the flip side.....zzzzzzz...

-fer-

Oits FrienDzzzZZzz.....

2008-08-13T01:24:00.008+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

My head is spinning so bad..... I'm currently working on the user for my online advertising....wait, did I ever mention this?errr forget it...Oh and by the way, GUYS!....I want to let you know, I rarely read back what I wrote before hitting the "Publish Post" button, so don't start getting all sarcastic with me about my atrocious spelling or how my sentences don't make sense because I'm missing a "not" or an "of" somewhere. At least I'm producing a literary (if I may call it that) piece that actually has my thoughts and feelings in it, something that I can read weeks, maybe years from now and still laugh and say, "I used to get so worked up about the stupidest stuff". What do you have? Just all your sarcastic comments and your vicious words against other people you put down because your own like is a pathetic piece of junk.

OhYash!!!!...I read(sinopsis kek belakang sikit jer..heck!) in a Sidney Sheldon novel, a quote that went along something like this "Never assume, it makes an ASS out of YOU and ME". Do not assume that if you feel that something is hard for you, then it will automatically be hard for me. Don't assume that if you felt this situation really tried your nerves, then if you put me in it, I'll automatically break down and cry. Don't assume that if I cry, it's because I'm weak, maybe it's better for me to cry rather than ravage another person with cutting words and my anger. Because I think through the way I handled myself through all the shit that happened to me this year, and how I handled all of the mishandled criticisms I had of "taking advantage of the situation", I think I did pretty well, thank you very much. I didn't turn to mush. I didn't break down completely even when all I wanted to do was to leave everything and run away.

Most of the time, I refrained from letting my emotions from controlling my head and cloud my judgment. I didn't use PMS as a reason to suddenly be angry with someone for no reason (well maybe once or twice, but mostly I just stayed away from people in general because during that time of the month, people piss me off, I don't wanna be around things that pisses me). And if I do get angry, I don't get VERBAL. How do I let my anger out? By writing and writing and writing....

What makes a good piece of essay, a good novel, a good book? What makes an entry in an online journal good? When people say it's good? When a lot of people buy the book, the newspaper, come to the website? When people compliment you about it? For me, something is good when you can read something and know that it actually comes from the heart, not just facts, because a heart feels, beats to the rhythm not only of the body but the mind and the soul. Facts? Using the words that so often describe "facts", they're hard and cold... Okay?I'm sleepy and cranky, so I better pen off now and get some sleep.... zzzzz....

Wassalam..

anyway gabbie and zeta...thank you very much!!

-fer-

mien point de vue.......

2008-08-10T19:44:00.010+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

ma life(errrr)...... when it is boring, nothing happens. Nothing. When it gets interesting, it got to be a little too interesting for my liking. Take for example, my job. See, I started LOVing it. Before this, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. But now I know. I'm not that good at writing from draft, however, I guess I'm good at figuring out when something about banking or financing, or when something involved in money. I still love learning and reading about taxation, world economics review, business news, account principles...... these are the things that really makes sense to me.

Okay, so I just said I love my job. However, I wasn't liking the issues that was happening in the team (the fights, arguments, blame, the root course... let's just say things weren't going well). As much as I would love to rant and go into details, I'm not gonna. Simply because I don't want a written proof that I just went off on a specific person/people. I'm not gonna embarrass him/her/them like that. Of course, I also don't wanna get sued down the road after I become famous (how will I be famous? Dunno, haven't thought that far yet. )

I'm, however, going in general. I've too much anger to just let it sit and simmer. Hypocrisy, no matter how much all of us try to avoid it or deny it, lives in all of us. And yes, I do mean all. Try and count the times that you have said one thing then did the total opposite, or when you criticize someone for doing something but then found yourself doing the exact same thing. I know I've done it, and I've seen all of my friends do it, too (how do you suppose people find topics to gossip about?). Now while hypocrasy is a universal trait, there's a diference between that and being a full-blown hypocrite. A hypocrite doesn't recognize he/she is a hypocrite. Hypocrites tend to impose their opinions on others. Worse of all, what they say tend to hurt and in some cases, have a long lasting effect. And in my experience, hypocrites also tend to be able to talk their way out of a lot of things, or make it seem like what they say or do is totally right and in reality, it's not.

I know certain things we should not do; make a joke that hurt feelings, embrrass people in public, steal, discard people's idea all the time in favor of our own, and do not; attack person when their down, impose opinions on others, pretend you are doing work when you are not. These are some reason that all of us should not do, we know this right!; yet one time or another, we caught ourselves red-handed doing one of these unforgivables and the only way to make things better is to repent and apologize if you had hurt somebody.

Sometimes even that does not work. Although I try not to let it consume me, I still find myself getting angry time and again over a mean word a friend said, or a mean thing someone did, or being bullied. The thing that calms me down is to remember that most of them do not mean to be cruel, and to also remember that somewhere out there someone else might still be hurting over what I did, too. Of course, that does not stop me from breaking friendships whenever I feel like I couldn't take it anymore (it is a vice of mine, less good, I know. I'm not the best example LoL).

Sometimes when things do not work, it is better to part ways. That's exactly what happened to my job. Some of the team members had to split ways with others so that the yelling would stop and the work could be done. It is not the most ideal situation, but at least it is a step to a better direction. You cannot treat people poorly and not expect repercussions. There are times to pick battles, and there are times to just shut up. There are ways to get around annoyances without airing out your and our problems in public. People are not meant to be perfect, that is a given. But we are given the choice to not appear .... So why choose to be one?

At least the team issues are pretty much resolved. I learned an important lesson....to not be afraid to admit when a situation is not working. I thought I learned that some time ago. If it doesn't work, and you have given it your best shot, then it just doesn't work.

Omigosh! I'm babble too much.....and I need to stop! as usual I'm not making any sense to anybody, better stop before I start eating my finger...

I really miss someone right now!.....Lol

-fer-

ShopFer's FielD....

2008-08-10T18:14:00.004+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

Wah, celake betul, ATM card dah ran out. How the hell did that happen??? Oh wait... I know.... I spent like crazy in repairing my car, then I spent some more buying laptop... then some more buying clothes. Dude I got to stop spending so much. So it's off to All Mall to return the clothes I bought. Damn damn damn. Maybe I can return some other crap that I bought... but I've pretty much worn them all. Ooops.

Congrats to Lynn and Osama on the impending marriage. God bless and lots of happy wishes.

-fer-

I'm not Single too....

2008-08-09T22:16:00.011+08:00

Dear Lisa Surihani,

First of all congratulation for been awarded "Pelakon Wanita Harapan" FFM (tatau yg ke bape kebetulan went to kitchen nak minum air nmpak dia nin amik hadiah) . The first time I saw you. Off course you didn't notice me then, because there were a throng of "great guys" around us at your college Help Institute and I was shrimp. Actually I've been working at KPMG, which next of your college building that time. I sitll am, actually. You, on the other hand stood a good 5'8" feet tall...okay. So maybe 5'3", but straight dark hair that you sported gave you kinda cute face, and skinny kinda way.

Back when I first saw you and you didn't notice me, I'm not single had just joined KPMG for a month, and was excited at the prospect of meeting new friends, boys and girls alike. You were standing near a wall and talking to a hensome spiky hair guy. I thought he was your boyfriend. You probably would have said otherwise.

The first time you notice me was in the morning, I walked and accidently my tag fell infront of you. You extended your hand with my tag and smiled to me by then I was blushing so hard. Oh you gorgeous! I think my whole face was red. I hope you thought I was pink from the sun and not from you. I was drowning by the second, so I tear my eyes off yours, adjusted the strap of my carry-all and I was hoping you would say " I noticed you from before"

Oh well not all fantasies can some true. So our next consisted off...

(guys dialog dia mcm ni masa dia pass the tag to me)

You: Here..

Me: oh great! no I mean thanks....

I looked at you and melted. I try not let you walk away without keeping some memory of you, but I just can't.LoL

Lisa Surihani, If you had really given your phone number to me, would we be friends now? or would you eventually drift out of my life like the girl before you? or would you understand and still want to be near me? Would you be there during those times when I was in pain, or would you just say "Erm.. I have to go.. see ya!" and leave because you hate uncomfortable situations? Would it matter to you now whether I'm single or I'm not single, or would we be such good friends that things like that doesn't matter?

Lisa Surihani, if I smile at you now, would you recognize me and remember?

Sincerely ,

The boys who bulshes

Note: I really wish you'll read this....and I'm very familiar with american slang and I know you're more to British...Think! If we have a child together, definetly they will sucess like British American Tobacco.omigosh! Lol.....

-fer-

Cuti-Cuti Wyoming.....

2008-08-09T16:36:00.007+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum

I have had the craziest idea of touring "states"(specifically wyoming)....alone. A friend of mine did it. I'm sure it wasn't that bad....except for the visa though! I remember touring by train when I was in Europe. ohkies..I'm not exactly a fan of gettin around by train. But I admitted the trip was pretty fun. I love going to places with rides and stuff like that, but I haven't had any cultural experience for well over many years, and I can barely remember the places that I went when I was there. Actually I wouldn't mind touring with friends of course but somehow I don't think anyone would wanna do the same stuff that I wan to....boring stuff like going to museums, sight seeing and stuff like that....I love stockholm , but aside from the "heart of stockholm" everything are so inacessible. Oh well...my parents would probaly have a fit if I tell them I want to travel alone again, but tour with an agency seems safe unough, so we will see :)

huh!! nak titun sat...nnti sambung tulis blik.....LoL

-fer-

frOm fer wIf love..........

2008-08-08T21:14:00.009+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

Aiiihhh.... had a really long day today, as always. Strange how that seems to be the case everytime I have lotsa things due. Anyway, I got a nice msg today. Nice I was commended on my writing( thanks zeta, tp nape tak faham ape yg aku tulis erk! english aku teruk erk?) since apparently my writing skills "Surpassed" of the limit......so we'll c...the compliment was nice, I always like hearing nice stuff about my writing. Sometimes I wonder if I have talent or it just repressed emotions that I can't say out loud because I'd sound like a pretentious american wannabe, so I write all of it down instead. We'll see about this blog, I don't want take reponsibilities that I can't commit, it would hurt people and damage my ability(whatever's left of it) and it would just be plain selfish and stupid. Like they say when you take on any responsibility, just like being a fuhrer, "one step closer to the hell". That is how serious things get and that is how serious I take it nowdays.....hmmmm!! enuff...enuff..enuff..!!!

Okay, I played this song to death in my playlist for so long now, it's only fair that I share my love (?) for it with everyone. It's being overplayed in the radio anyway, so me singing it here wouldn't exactly matter so much! hahaha.... " dlm cinta harus saling percaya dlm cinta harus berani pasrah dlm cinta nananananananana..." =D....ciao! babe.....wasalam...

-fer-

thE Bad Dreamz Car of GeIsha.....

2008-08-07T21:12:00.009+08:00

assalamu'alaikum...

Been very, very busy today, I just took my car from "somewhere", I love my car Very much. As much as I love my friends. But I know ma car still looks like a wreck, but at least it's still doing it's purpose of transporting me to places that I need to go. I have changed my car into a new looks much more standard rather than hankee pankiee car. Time has passed for doin that. And the changes really killing ma time...kerk!

Well let's just say even if you are.. ermm.. mentally challeneged, if you can drive a car or operate heavy machinery, then I can still whoop your ass whenever you start acting like a spoiled, sick little jerk. All the things that are happening around me is enough to give a migraines.

Anyway, what prompted me to write today, aside from the fact that I'm stuck at the "somewhere"(kedai kunci senanrnya) a little while longer since it's raining outside, is the fact that last night, I had a really weird dream. It was a bad dream... at least in my opinion. Only one other person aside from D***a (seb baik ko mesej aku, pompuan, thankee thankee :) ) knows about it, nyahaha. Suffice to say, I accidentally fell asleep without washing me feet, dreamt, woke up crying, realized I woke up BEFORE my alarms clock started buzzing and then went to the bathroom to smayang Subuh.

After that, I went on a quest to MAKE SURE that everything is the way it's suppposed to be and not warped like the way it was in my dream. So I started poking my nose around places that I really have no business in just to make sure that everything's okay. All of that happened before 10am.... pretty eventful morning.

Anyway, at the evening started out weirdly enough, and the sucky weather prompted everyone to lose their house keys, which means that I spent half of my evening making house keys for probably half of the residents of ma home, I know you're beloved auntie and uncle but keys don't melt just because it's raining outside. Weather seriously "not bad". I was glad to get back home.

Tonight was the movie memoir of geisha(astro 11-1.30), Woo hoo!! I've been waiting for it for so long (saje nk tgk balik)...ma uncle and untie promptly left when the show came on tv (there's no accounting for taste... seriously)...I watched this movie before, that movie with Michelle Yeoh and Zhang Yi. Anyway, the lady who played the villain Hatsumomo, Chinese actress Gong li is freakin' GORGEOUS!. It was really good movi the cinematography was excellent...wish it had stayed closer to the book and developed more of mameha's character, but I guess you can only do so much in 2-1/2 hours of movie time. To tell the truth, I like this one better than King Kong. Tgk org bercinta dengan beruk, buat ape. Pompuan tgk beruk, beruk tgk pompuan, main ais skating kat mane2 ntah. 3 jam plak tuh kene tgk beruk ngan pompuan tgk each other.

Ahhh...crap!!!....I like me when I'm feeling sarcastic, I sound like an obnoxious moron who watched waaaayyyy too many reruns of Friends and Seinfeld. Or maybe just too much Comedy Central, I have a thing for Jon Stewart. Yummy.... wasalam

Note: dear reader, if korang accidently ter-in dlm blog(ngok) aku ni. kindly pls vote yr respond by return tested voting machine kat bawah sekali tu erk. rating je la bape2 as long as korang happy...thanks for reading anyway. (terfikir mcm nak buat open house blog aku la) kerk!

-there-

Survey episode two.....

2008-08-07T17:06:00.006+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum....

Do the usual stuff..read to know more bout the somebody and copy the whole thing and paste it on ur Bulletin.Tada!

I AM: sleepy

I WANT: to have a room that cleans itself

I HAVE: a camera that decided to suddenly go dead on me

I WISH: my hair can be super botak without me having to fork out cash at the salon

I HATE: people who lie, betray and are basically ass-wipes

I MISS: Stockholm

I FEAR: that I don't find true love

I HEAR: songs in my head

I SEARCH: for a Coca-cola article!

I WONDER: when I can be aggresive enuff to grab the world by the balls

I REGRET: taking people for granted

I LOVE: having people i love around me

I ACHE: to perform in public

I ALWAYS: plan things that never happens

I AM NOT: happenin!

I DANCE: none,

I SING: all the time too... sometimes really good, other times badly enuff that I tell myself to shut up

I CRY: when I'm sad... I used to all the time, not anymore though

I AM NOT ALWAYS: forgiving, contrary to popular beliefs... not always a mean bitch either

I WRITE: when I want to

I WIN: some

I LOSE: some

I CONFUSE: a lot of people on whether I'm notty or nice... a bit of both, actually, though I'm not THAT notty

I NEED: family, friends, and good CAR

I SHOULD: be doing something more useful with my time

-------------------------------------------------

Yes Or No...

x. You keep a diary: yes, kinda

x. You like to cook: yes, most definitely

x. You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: Yes

x. You believe in love: Yes

-------------------------------------------------

The weirdest person you know: no one's weird... okay, myself, then the

Loudest Person you Know: Teff kat Tpt ZAza, muahahahah

The Sexiest Person you Know: like I'm gonna say

The Cutest Person you Know: Adik Lindzreen

Your closest friend(s): do I have to name them all? people, you know who you are :) ... and I love you all!!

The People that Knows the Most about you: Nobody... I only give pieces of myself away, so if you wanna know all, get a conference with all of my friends

-------------------------------------------------

Do You...?

Have a(any) crush(es): for the time being, not really

Want to get married: yes, much later, though

Get motion Sickness: nope!

Think you're a health freak: not really

Get along with your parents: yes :) ... luve me mum and dada

Like thunderstorms: heck no... gile ke?

-------------------------------------------------

NATURAL HAIR COLOR: Black

CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Black

EYE COLOR: Brown..serius! Look At properly!

BIRTHPLACE: pj

-------------------------------------------------

(FAVORITES ) NUMBER: 1 and 5

COLOR: pink(Victoria Secret) and white

DAY: wednesday and friday

MONTH: November (my birthmonth! )

currently:

SONG : again plain white "hey there delilah"

FOOD: Baskin Robbins (yummy)

SEASON: Winter.

SPORT: watching: skateboarding and football

participating: I don't do sports, haha... just kidding, I love basketball, though I suck at it

DRINK: Limau Ice.
-------------------------------------------------

( PREFERENCES )

CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT : both (devil devil devil)

CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE? Both, depending on weather

MILK, DARK, OR WHITE CHOCOLATE? white

VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE? vanilla

-------------------------------------------------

( IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU.... )

CRIED? nope

HELPED SOMEONE? yes

BOUGHT SOMETHING? Yes

GOTTEN SICK? nope

GONE TO THE MOVIES? hell no

GONE OUT FOR DINNER? Gone Mamak stall

WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? errr... hehe.. nooooo

TALKED TO AN EX? Yesssssss……

MISSED AN EX? No

WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? Yessss

HAD A SERIOUS TALK? Yessss

MISSED SOMEONE? yes

HUGGED SOMEONE? yes.. well half hug anyway

FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? Dad!

FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? No

Kerk! finally...finished this crap!

She tHe oNe......

2008-08-07T09:24:00.006+08:00

Assalamu'alikum....

This is first time i talk about my girlfriends since i've been blogging....WHy becoz now! we faced truly difficult time together. I'm trying not to point is all about her faults or ma faults. Time and feelings change. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost a 3 years now. And she just happened to tell me now that i alwiz ignored her. Yeah certainly i did..But actually i really bothered by something i really don't know and unsure. I guess she felt weirded out and insecure about the situation. I'm also afraid she couldnt lasted and she might want to leave me...i have to stop right here...my eyes begin to tears up if i further up more.....shits!! I don't undestand. I don't understand why. I don't know what to think, what to feel, how to act, how to react.I don't understand and I'm so confused right now. How is it that just 24 hours before I was writing up in a blog, feeling good about myself, and right now I don't even know what just happened? How is this my fault? What did I do to even deserve this?

crap!!! i would like to say this....

Sometime have a good day and sometime have a bad day, things happen, shit happens, good things happen. For the same event, a lot of people would feel different things, Just because something good happened, doesn't mean everyone will be happy about it. And vice versa, not everyone feels bad when shitty things happen. For example, if shit happens to people that I don't really like, such as a certain motivator, I would be jumping up and down for joy. But that's just me.

I like it when things are out in the open. I like to know that I can trust you and my friends. I like to be able to be comfortable in my own skin and not feel like the pair of jeans in your closet that you only wear when you have absolutely NOTHING else to wear. I like being needed, but I don't like being used. I especially don't like feeling I'm the dirt beneath some else's shoes. I hate knowing that there are so many people in my life that fits into "that" description, in one way or another. I hate knowing there are so many people NOT in my life who also fit into "that" description. Whatever "that" is, dear reader, is something that I cannot be bothered to explain.

-fer-

SyamSul Yusof Vs MahYudd Yusof....= diana danielle

2008-08-06T23:06:00.008+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum.....

My friend is absolutely ga-ga over this gurl, Diana Danielle Danny Beeson . Admittedly, she's pretty cute ... comel lah jugak, though kening bushy cikit2, LoL. But I feel weird looking at her sebab muke die cam familiar, as in serupe cam muke someone else. Tapi tak boleh nak pinpoint sape, wth? Aarrgghh... penat lah pikir semalam, minah nie features die sgt familiar tapi tatau sape.

Anyway, Pramugara MAS masa flight to stockholm arituh ingat lg (takleh nak sebut name nanti nak kene bantai) tak habis2 bising pasal this gurl. Since diri sendiri dah lame tak amik tahu M'sia, dah byk tak tau pasal the local celebrities (local for me sekarang is famous Hong Kong people, LoL...hahhaha). Tapi apparently she's a model/actor. Can see the model part because mmg damn lawa. Tak tau bleh berlakon ke tak, LoL. Can she?

To be Fair Kita sama-sama lah tgk jer nanti yerk. Anyway, sementare tgh men-research pasal dianin sket (kene lah ade topic nak letak kat blog), I came across die punye profile google (or something that summarizing a article, I couldn't tell that well). sHe was (or is, I dunno) up for the Spm 2008 yadda yadda. Anyway, bace lah kan die punye profile (she's younger than I am, baru 17, ngahaha looking at the 17 year olds around me..... hmmm....tak matang LoL). Nothing particularly interesting UNTIL the interview part.....( interview nin revised erk olok2 jer) muahahah.....

MEDIA: Saya nak bertanyakan pada DIANA, apa perasaan you terhadap filem EVOLUSI KL DRIFT ini dan berlakon di bawah SYAMSUL YUSOF?
DIANA: Hmmmm i raserrrrr it's a good film. Hmmmmm SYAMSUL did a good job and i'm proud of him lah.

MEDIA: Apa perhubugan kamu dengan SYAMSUL YUSOF?

DIANA: Well i raserrrr kita orang teman tapi mesra. That's all i can say.

MEDIA: Dengar cerita kamu berkawan dengan Mahyudd betul ker?
DIANA: Hmmm... Siapa Mahyudd?...

MEDIA: Mahyudd kawan Fer(aku le tu)...

DIANA: Oh kawan Fer tu ker...tak kenal sangat...tapi nampak macam anak MAK, mcm i juga...

MEDIA: Jadi u meminati Mahyudd?

DIANA: Nampak saya dengan dia sesuai ker? hehehehe....I deserve better right!

That's all i could say.Don't get me started with the interview she did with MICHELLE on MELODI!!!-(kata-kata petikan dr searching goolge yg aku jumpa)

I'm actually stalling to do IELTS exercise, but I'm starting to hyperventilate a bit, so I better get on with it before I get a nervous breakdown.

Note: Mahyudd Yusof mmg suka berangan ngan minah nin..Tapi mmg dia Layak challenge ngan SyamSul Yusof(Klu Rupa)...cuma Keta dia kena errr kena bg stable sket la! kang drift ntah kemana laks...klu KL Drift aku tak sure La...Tp klu Raub Drift mmg Sure SYamsul tu gulai la.....

Ciao babes!

Additional note: Interview itu adalah rekaan semata-mata, tiada kena mengena dengan mahyudd atau pun dengan fer atau sesiapa yg di sebut.

The Cronichles of ImPrt PayMent...the holiDay, The HoLLyDied and the Golden Army....

2008-08-06T20:36:00.014+08:00

Assalamu'alaikum...

First of all, I have nothing to write about today, it's been slow, I haven't been doing much work, basically Nature Disaster. I called Tomorrow I have... something whole day...

errr....ok here i go, Happy half HollyDieds to IPHKIES....Suka ha sumer balik awal...(yay!)....Hong Kong Taifoon tak tahu la wheather forcasting rated up to 20(I wish to)...kerja mmg takda langsung. Mmg best habis hari ni. Kenapa Guys! kenapa aku panggil hollydieds tahu kan. Esok volume for sure turn on as high as twin tower. Maknanya Died la kan.

apepun aku terasa gak kesusahan korang. faham2. kepada team lbd. aku minta maaf la yerk aku on leave tak expect lak taifoon ni datang mengejut. Aku try tulis dlm malay ar this time sebab ada la kawan2 aku kata english jer. Masa balik tadi diskus dgn Mahyudd dia kata tulis la campur2.ermm betul gak erk.... tapi yg penting ramai gak member aku suka baca blog aku. walaupun dorang tak dpt komen sbb office blog part komen tuh.hahaha. tapi ada positive responds la.suka gila beb!!! nin aku cerita la sket2 pasal kawan2 aku nin.

Natallie, dia agak excited gak membaca dengan +ve komen siap soh promote nama dia lagi. Ok Natt nanti i promote kek u erk.

Mahyudd(MBS)..the only and the one, yg aku rasa paling cepat gila picked up ape2 pun je la...aku harap london contract aku tu siap la bila aku balik nanti. kalau tak siap la dia. Lupa lak mahyudd la satu-satunya org yg aku tak bagi add blog aku. bukan ape dia bila baca mesti buat mcm2 mimik muka. Yg paling dahsyat adegan pistol letak kat kepala sambil bunyi peluru keluar dari mulut.

ape pun anak mak ni sedang mencari cari...not bad lookin....tunggu la blog dia siap nanti. mmg good lookin tp berhati-hati sket...

RBN..ni la one of the inspire aku untuk buat ape2. very good listener even somtimes dia pun bosan gak nak dgr ape aku cakap. betul tak?. .tapi dia ni banyak tahu gak pasal aku...especially buku high profile yg aku tulis, dia sorang jer tahu pieces by pieces. tapi aku boleh cakap dia tabah gila beb! mmg gifted dan superb...

NZA..ini orang tough gile...baru je dpt baby boy. Cute gile mcm aku muda gak(kerk!). baby name: ADAM. cute ya!..yg penting ttg dia ni..adik dia berkawan dengan angkasawan negara kita. tapi tak tahu la hubungn dorang.tahap ape. good job zaza.

Nin..peh lgi dahsyat bakal AM kat satu bank overseas. jgn lupa tarik aku tau klu ko dah berenang2 dalam tuh.

Gabrille Peter..sesuci namanya orangnya, percaya la! dia ni mcm besi galvani(maknet la tuh) magnet kalau lalu jer mesti melekat kat dia. pemalu orgnya. not bad. sedang mencari juga yg sesuai. Dipercayai darah berkacukan spain,greece,italiano dan sikit2 borneo. taat kepada agama. agak2 nak anak macam ashraff sinclair inilah dia orangnya. Glad to c u back gabbie.

Fer(aku la)..sbb dh ade org pakai "Fir" kt office ermm!! jadi tukar fer la. ape aku nak cakap erk.I'm letting things slide and hope that people will pick up after me is kept to a bare minimum. (freaky fer)......huh! I'm getting older, I'm 25 years old, in 3 years I'll be 28. My dad already had 2 kids when she was 28, my brtoher-in-law coming. I can't keep screwing around anymore, I can't just take things lightly anymore. Time to grow up and move on. siapa yg rasa ada calon yg sesuai pass2 la kat aku nin! adik lindzia tu berkenan gak(berangan seh!)

kawan iphk yg lain. nanti aku cerita psal korang erk...leher aku ni dah sakit menaip.anyway teruskan membaca jgn kecik hati tau...I love everything and everyone, even though people in general piss me off because we have so much hatred in us it's disgusting...We need to start treating each other better, especially upcoming Ramadhan nie. 'Cause if we can't even be civilized during Ramadhan, then we're basically screwed for the rest of the year.

-fer-

The LinDzreeN Supremacy.......

2008-08-06T18:18:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday.....LinDzreen

...It's pretty weird when da time comes tat u want to wish someone "happy birthday" but they're not around to hear it....Oh well it's life...

Hi sweetie, It's now 5 hrs and 35 minutes to midnight n I would extent again ma best wishes to ya on yr sweet 25th birthday, before u know it, u'll be in mid n late 20s soon...I cannot believe that u already turning to 25th but still single......kerk!!! (mampus klu bf ko tahu)

I would like to tell u all about her...she has alwiz been strength n spitfire(hehehe)...she has been reponsible n intelligent young lady all of her life....Even though she is second youngest, she always been good about being the other " care taker" to her family..she has stepped up to help out and fill the blanks...she has her faults too, but i believe she has truly been blessed....I just want her to get the points for her birthday too, So I'm writing this subject under her name about her birthday, and i would appreciate it if you would all add some birthday wishes to it too...hAppy bIrthday to ya........

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It's a curse and a blessing sometimes..for me!!!

Up: LinDz and HEr Bf (faiz)....I really like the POSSSINGGG! , very much!!=D! Awesome....!!!

Today: talked abt her litt siS...perh!!! don't even thing about it.....

SLeeP DisH...sepatah 2 words.....

2008-08-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

sahlom....... ( belajar dr gabrielle)

I chatted with a few people that I wish I didn't, and chatted with a friend who gave me a different point of view of stuff .... and now I'm... surprisingly feeling good about myself :) .

People can always bring you down, so it's up to you to take precautions against those mothaf***ers and always remember that you ARE a good person and things ARE going to happen for you :) . I try to remind myself all of time of that fact... though sometimes events happen that just test your convictions and all you wanna do is break down and finish off a box of Krispy Crips in the hopes that the sugar will make you forget about all the sucky stuff in your life. [Note to others: it doesn't work, what you'll end up is soggy doughnuts drenched in tears].

Grrrrr!!!!! People are crazy sometimes. Life is as complicated, or as easy as you make it. That's true, and I've always believe that to be true. Sure, you can't really control the crap that happens to you, but you certainly make sure that it doesn't faze you more than it should. I live in a fairly sheltered life ... if I know that it's gonna hurt me, then I don't wanna know about it. That might mean missing out on stuff, but I know me, and there are certain things that I refuse to let myself go through. It might not be the best defense mechanism, but at least I have one. One thing that I find very relaxing to do is to just talk. Like TALK, about anything. It doesn't even have to be about stuff that's bothering you. The more I talk about random stuff, the better I feel. Some of my friends might not notice, but I tend to spew out absolute nonsense whenever I'm tense and I laugh and smile like nobody's business. Tha faster I started out talking, the bigger the problem in my head. Dude, talking rocks.

To people reading this.... I love you all, have a good life filled with happiness and blessings and if you ever feel, one of these days, that no one loves you, always remember that I do :) . fir...